The Day My Childhood was Destroyed

I was being lazy and just lounging around in bed this afternoon morning and I’m not entirely sure why this random memory of my brother destroying my childhood popped into my head. As a kid I was pretty vocal in the fact that I always wanted to be an only child. The brief three years I was an only child were amazing, I had so many toys and was showered with love and affection from my parents all the time. And then he came along. The new baby stole all the attention, he followed me around, hugged me, wanted to play games with me and I wanted nothing to do with him. Unless I needed to scapegoat to get out of trouble and even then the parental units saw right through my schemes.

As a kid I was an avid My Little Pony and Troll doll collector. My room was covered in naked trolls, some with the magic, wishing jewel for a belly button and thousands of My Little Ponies and their matted, colorful hair. Sometimes they would play together, other times they were mortal enemies.

One gloomy and horrible day I came home from school and had my snack of peanut butter and graham crackers with a side of Scooby Doo cartoons. I knew something wasn't right as it was unusually quiet. Normally, baby brother was hugging me or drooling on one of my precious toys, however on this atrocious day, he was being eerily quiet and was no where to be seen.  

I put my snack on the coffee table and slowly made my way to my room. I noticed that the door was closed and I could hear the faint sound of jibberish talk and mild humming. I slowly opened the door, holding my breath, and completely unsure what I would find in there. My eyes scanned the room but I heard his voice first.

“Oh you look very nice with the new hair cut.”

I flung the door open and saw him. My little brother was sitting in the middle of my room, my Troll dolls scattered around him and a tiny pile of red, green, yellow, purple Troll hair next to him. A pair of those elementary school safety scissors was in his grubby little hand and an innocent Troll doll in the other.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

Is what I managed to screeched before he looked at me with those simple, blue eyes and a giant, satisfied grin across his face.

“Look, I gave them buzz cuts!”

He said, completely unfased with my anger, as he held the poor little doll up like a trophy. I’m not completely sure what happened after that, I may have blacked out from complete rage. Or what actually happened was that I burst into tears and ran crying to my parents. Who in turn took that little jerks side stating they were JUST toys and I was overreacting to the dolls getting a hair cut.

The hair was the lucky part.

Oh Trolls, I'm sorry.



Cheaters, Part Two

The boys and I have decided this is the year we’re going to become skinny bitches lose the weight. First, it was just “Sean,” “Chris” and I and our sweeping declaration to never let the crumbs of fast food touch our lips. We gave each other the shady eye while we secretly placed bets on who would cave first. A certain someone, *COUGHSEANCOUGH* even went as far as to taunt me and said I would be the first to cave.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. I was preparing for work one glorious afternoon, when “Sean” casually came strolling in with a Taco Bell bag. From that point on I felt that it was my mission in life to point out every time he came to work with fast food that I was not the one who caved. It eventually got the point where he felt I was border line harassing him and he dropped out of the no fast food ban.

We then decided to implement our money jar plan. Each week we put $5 into a jar and at the end of the month whoever loses the most weight wins the money. A fellow friend overheard these plans and decided to join in.

Everyone, I would like you all to welcome “Mauricio” to the blog.

*Golf clap, golf clap*

So week one went pretty well and then the weekend came. “Chris” and I made secret plans to order from Panda House (I told you that was going to happen…) on a day when the other two would not be working. And let me tell you, that fried rice and egg roll were totally amazing. I also got a second eggroll but that was used as bribery to make sure mom kept her pretty, little mouth shut about our indiscretion.  

Monday afternoon came around and we all gave each other the guilty looks. “Sean” started the confessions by admitting he didn’t think he had lost any weight because he cheated. I then felt compelled to admit that “Chris” and I had cheated over the weekend as well. And wouldn’t you know it, “Mauricio” cheated too! We’re all just a bunch of cheaters.

Wanna Go Steady?

As you guys know I’ve decided to enter the world of online dating. I have a crappy schedule and am kind of, sort of really shy so. Basically, I have a hard time meeting guys and when I do I get all awkward. The kind of awkward where someone will say hi to me and I’ll get that deer caught in the headlights look and mumble something about gnomes while I slowly blend into the wall.

I’ve only been online dating for a few weeks and the thing I’ve noticed is that it’s a lot like an elementary school dance. Boys are standing on one side of the wall while the girls whisper and giggle to each other while standing on the opposite side of the room. They all kind of look at each other until one of the boys takes a step forward. At that moment everything stops, even the cheesy 90’s love song that’s playing. The girls hold their breath as they wonder which one he’s going to ask to dance and the boys stare in amusement all the while thinking of the jokes they’ll tell if the boy is rejected. And just like that the brave little boy takes a step back and everything goes back to normal.

That is online dating. These sites will show you who checked out your profile so you can in turn check out theirs. From what I’ve noticed, if they are not interested they won’t check your profile out a second time. If you’re really lucky and that person is interested they might send you a “wink” or even message you. However, if you’re anything like me you check out their profile, they check out yours, you check theirs again and this vicious cycle continues for several days until one of you gets bored and just stops.

I’ve also noticed that I’m not the only flake on this planet. I’ll see a new message in the inbox, we’ll have a nice conversation for a few a days, might even exchange numbers and them BAM! Complete silence. It’s like the last few days of my awkward flirting never happened. And yes, I’ll do that slightly obsessive thing where I reread the messages wondering if I said something that was offensive and then come to the conclusion that he’s an idiot and I have to paint my nails anyway.

Along with the flakes you also have the occasional weirdo that wants to see pictures of your feet, the guy who has pictures of himself with kids but then prefers to not answer if he has kids or wants kids and then you have the guy who just cannot get the hint. He’s checked out your profile and you looked at his and determined no, no sir I am not interested in being your child bride. But every day he sends you a message about how he’ll take care of you and how much fun the two of you will have. And even though you’ve ignored his 15^th message, he still just doesn’t get the hint.

I’m still on the fence about this whole online dating thing. I don’t know if it’s from watching How I Met Your Mother or all those romantic comedies but I feel like meeting someone online takes away a little of the romance. When someone asks how you met it’s just a simple, “Oh his profile totally caught my eye on whatever website.” I’m not saying that I want some big, almost hard to believe story but something more than meeting online. Kind of like Ted Mosby except for the whole it takes 9 years to tell the story. COME ON MAN, HOW DID YOU MEET THE MOM??!? JUST TELL US ALREADY!

On a completely unrelated topic, do you work with someone that has an odd taste in desk décor? I don’t mean like awkward vacation pictures or paintings from their kids. I mean like a weird little figurine. Ok, well I’ll get right to the point. There is one co-worker who has this mini pumpkin that her kid painted on her desk. It’s been there since Halloween and it gives me the freakin creeps. Sometimes when I’m at my desk I’ll get this eerie feeling, the kind that makes the hair on the back of my neck, and as I glance over the short wall of my cubicle I see that it is staring at me. There are times when I swear it turns slowly on it’s own just to stare me down. Don’t believe me? Here, take a look.

It's evil.

ALSO! GUYS! FREE NERF GUN!!! I know you want it and all you have to do is type your name in the comment section below! Also, if you live internationally you can totally enter and I’m going to pay for the shipping and handling. Why am I doing this? Because my dear, sweet adorable readers, this is my gift to you. SO GET TO ENTERING!

NERF GUN GIVE AWAY TIME!

I bet you guys thought this day would never come. I've been going on and on and on about this super amazing giveaway only tell you, eh I'll post about it next time. Well, my dear amazing friends from near and far, I am very proud to announce, NERF GUN GIVEAWAY TIME!!!

I totally meant to babysit the counter after my last post so I could catch it right at 1000, but alas. I have been diagnosed with shiny ball syndrome (OH A BALL!) and got distracted by a movie I was watching. Anyway, here's the latest counter showing that we are OVER 1000 views!

So, basically I'm giving away an exact replica of the Nerf gun that was used on that horribly, tragic night when "Chris" shot me in the eye with a Nerf bullet and he laughed at my pain. I was forever blinded, ok only for like 5 minutes but it still twitches from time to time. And now I'm going to fully arm one of you with it. Also, our dear gun happy friend "Chris" signed it. As an added bonus, he also signed the actual nerf bullet that hit my EYEBALL.

What's life without a few simple rules to follow? So here they go.

1) The giveaway is open from Jan 13, 2013 until Jan 20, 2013
2) Type your name in the comment section BELOW, you can't be entered if you don't put your name in for the drawing.

That's it. Those are all the rules. The winner will be selected by old school name drawing and announced that following Monday. As I've said before ANYONE gets to enter! That means my adorable Aussie readers or random Kuwait, Germany or even Dutchess Kate (I KNOW IT WAS YOU!) can enter!

Let's Go to the Mall, TODAY!

                                                                             

One thing that I’ve noticed when I drive is that sometimes it seems other drivers sense when you’re in some sort of distress and therefore do the complete opposite of what you’re hoping. Let me explain that a little more clearly to you. Last weekend I went to Oklahoma City to do a little damage to my bank account. I always have my mom’s voice in my head that before I leave the house; use the bathroom. So I did. I also went to Starbucks and got a super tasty Venti something something with an extra shot of espresso because the barista was all “Doesn’t that sound awesome?!” And with her enthusiasm it totally did.

I just barely made it into the Oklahoma City limits when my bladder got all mad and was like, “Umm…you need to pull over, like 10 minutes ago.” Meanwhile I was driving and thinking, “Damn, bladder chill. We’re almost at the mall.” This imaginary conversation went on for quite some time until my bladder started causing me physical harm (massive cramps). At this point I was about 5 minutes from the mall but this elderly couple in front of me felt it was appropriate to turn that into a 20 minute drive. And I’m pretty sure the conversation between the two old jerks went something like this (also, imagine them with those pretentious kind of like a British but they’re not British accents):

“Oh shnookums, I do believe that woman in the dashing black Cruze behind us is in distress.”

“Why, daaaaaaaaahling, I do believe you are correct. And by the way she’s screaming and hunched over the steering wheel she may need to use the facilities.”

“Oh but honey bunches, I knooooooooow the speed limit is 60 but I think it’ll be really beneficial if we just putter about going 30.”

“Cuddle bum I do believe that is a very smart idea. That’ll teach her to drink a gianormous beverage before partaking on a nearly 2 hour journey.”

Meanwhile, this is me in my car:

“OHMYFUCKINGGODWHATISWRONGWITHYOU?!?!!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHI’MDYINGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The mall came into view and I could hear the angels singing, a bright light shone over the mall because the end was near. Yeah, those dreams were crushed when I realized I was going to the mall on a Saturday afternoon and saw how packed the parking lot was. I spent another 20 minutes swearing like a pirate and looking for a parking spot nearest the bathrooms. I pee-peed danced/walked quickly into and through out Dillards until I finally found my salvation.

That happy moment of sweet relief was also met with awkwardness when I was in a stall and a woman walked in, paused and said “Oh, there you are.” She was actually referring to someone else that was apparently hidden in the corner applying her make-up. They spent the next few minutes talking about how someone’s uncle was in jail but neither knew why. Probably because he was busy chatting away in the bathroom while someone was trying to take care of business.

So, I was going to open the giveaway tonight but “Chris” is causing a delay. Yeah, you read that correct “Chris.” The Nerf gun has been purchased I’m just waiting on a certain SOMEONE to sign it so I can post a picture of it on here and you guys can “Ohhhhh” and “Ahhhhh” at its amazingness. Well, maybe next week. Until then, let’s all give “Chris” the shady eyes.

Rocking to the Oldies

My dear, adorable readers I apologize for being gone for so long. Oh the turmoil you must have gone through while I just lazied about watching old episodes of Mr.Bean. My favorite will always be the one where he was in church and just being obnoxious to the guy next him by trying to unwrap a piece of candy or falls asleep and scares himself. Classic.

Anywho, guess what? I'm totally typing this to you via my new iPad! I KNOW! AHHH IT'S SO EXCITING! Let's hold hands and jump up and down screaming!!! AHHHH!!! Ok, enough of that. You look foolish.

So, lately I've been thinking that as funny as the crazy cat lady jokes I kind of, sort of, really don't want to end up as her. So, I'm taking action! Being a full-time student with a full-time job with a night shift really limits my time. I could go out to the bars after work but all I would really find would be the drunk guys or the sober guys trying to pick off the even drunker ladies. I could find an activity in the morning to meet- ha, who am I kidding myself. I'm lucky if I wake up early enough for a doctor appointment. Instead, I'm testing out online dating. Yes, I know it takes the whimsy out of the where did you meet story but to be honest I'm not expecting too much out of this.

I set up the same profile on two different sites, one free and one not so free. I always hate that tell us about yourself section. I just sit in front of the computer with a blank stare on my face and the sound of the ocean playing in my head. "I'm uhh...I'm hi?" After a while I finally came up with a short but slightly witty paragraph that didn't make me sound too much like a lunatic. Although there have been a few gentlemen that seem nice enough I can't help but notice something that both sites have in common. Really old men like me. I don't mean old as in a few years, I mean in their 50's old. They send messages (Hey cutie!) and winks but never reply back when I tell them they're the same age (sometimes older) then my dad. I will keep you guys updated if I find my true love, Daddy Warbucks.

I bet you guys are all on the edge of your seats wondering where we currently stand with the Nerf Gun giveaway. Well, we haven't hit 1000 hits yet but we're close. So here are the current numbers and I just want to say, those of you in foreign lands are totally welcome to participate when I start the giveaway!