Smize, You're Doing it Wrong

I'm not sure how this conversation started at work. I think it started when "Chris" and I were joking about "smizing" and one of our co-workers had no idea what it was. In case you have no idea what "Smizing" is, it's when you smile with your eyes. I'm pretty sure Tyra Banks has this trademarked so I probably owe her thousands upon thousands of dollars but jokes on Tyra cause this bitch is BROKE.

That then led to a conversation about America's Next Model. The conversation was more about some of the awkward poses the "models" have to do in their photo shoots. This then prompted me to get up and recreate a few of these "poses." In the office. While on the clock. And then it turned into a mini lesson on how to be a model from what I learned from watching the first few seasons of America's Next Top Model.

I stopped watching after Janice Dickinson left because she was that show. Here are some memorable quotes from Janice Dickinson, the worlds first super model.

Adrianne: I don't know what to feel. I feel I love Janice Dickinson.

Janice: Well, I didn't vote for you.

Janice: [About Catie] She looks like a child prostitute in this picture.

Janice: I was offended that she called me a bitch. I am a member of the PTA.

Janice: [About April's photograph] She looks like the batteries died in her vibrator.

Janice: [About Kelle] The hand coming through your legs looks like something that is on a man.

Tyra: [To Amanda] You continue to raise your eyebrow. You know, the Zoolander.

Janice: I used to be able to do it, but I have so much botox in my face I can't really do it anymore.

                                                                       

First, we'll start with "smizing." When you "smize" you are essentially smiling with your eyes. God forbid you use your mouth to show that you're smiling. What you want to do is show no emotion what so ever in the lip area, just pretend you got some Botox. Now, in your eye region you can have a little bit of a squint, but not too much. Need an example of a "smize"??

See, no emotion in the mouth area and just the TINIEST squint in the eye region to show the slightest bit of emotion

Perfect, next we're going to master the most awkward poses to complete what we in the biz like to call a Look Book. This Look Book (or what the non-fashion peeps call a portfolio) is what you're going to use on your "Go See." Ugh, sorry, I'm just so fashion forward and throwing all these fashion type terms at you. A "Go See" is when you go to multiple appointments with fashion designers and stuff and essentially apply for a job. But instead of an actual application you show them the pictures of the photo shoots and advertisements you've been in.

Here are some of mine:

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, you'll have a photo shoot and you won't be the only person involved. There might be another model involved and if you're lucky it could be a totes hot dude. Sometimes, it's another bitchy, I've-only-smoked-10-ciggerettes-and-ate-half-a-grape-and-did-4-snortfuls-of-cocaine, model. Don't let that get you down. Just stick to the awkward posing and smizing rules and the focus of that shoot will be all you.

See, who cares about that blonde heffer in the background, WHICH IS WHERE SHE BELONGS. 

That's pretty much how we spent the rest of the evening at work. Now I feel like watching America's Next Top Model.

I'm BLIND!

Color me all kinds of shades of embarrassed. I thought I had posted a different story about a week ago only for me to sign on and discover that I had not. What actually happened was that I discovered this drawing app for my Ipad, I drew some pictures to go with that post and then took a nap and completely forgot about it. My bad peeps. So, I'll post that story in a few days. Instead, today I want to talk about what happened the other day when "Chris" and I went to pick out glasses. If you subscribe to the blogs Facebook page then you probably noticed the latest update:

Went to get new glasses and made a discovery of EPIC proportions

The day before I had gone to the eye doctor and found out that the sight in my right eye had gotten slightly worse. By slightly worse I mean it went down an ENTIRE POINT!! I went from -2.75 to -3.75. The doctor explained that can be normal, blah blah blah, so I blew it off. Until the following day when Kimmy from Eye Mart Express showed me the light.

After about an hour of me going, "What about these ones? Oh, what about these ones? OH MY GOD CAN I PULL THESE OLD LADY ONES OFF?" I finally settled on a pair that was pretty similar to the ones I already have. Way to think outside but right against the box. So, our sales associate Kimmy had us sit at a table while she copied my information down when I pointed out to "Chris" how my right eye gotten worse. It was then that Kimmy asked, "Did you have some kind of trauma to your eye?"

Then this flashback happened:

 

"Chris" has made me blind and even Kimmy from Eye Mart Express agrees with me. 

Woody and the Bottoms

In my line of work I come across some funny names, such as Dr. Assman. Ten bucks if you can guess what he specialized in. That’s right, CARDIOLOGY! There are some other names that I come across that, to be honest, if it were me I would have legally changed my name after I legally emancipated myself from the parents who named me, Justice or Rosie Nutter. Fellow co-worker Rachel and I have recently combined some of the funny names we come across and created two movies. Well, we haven’t CREATED the movies, just the story line so far and who we believe should be the lead actors.  

Movie #1

Woody and the Bottoms

Hairy Bottoms is a recently retired NYC police officer who has taken a new job as an officer with the TSA National Explosives Detection Canine Team Program at the Pratt Regional Airport in small town Pratt, KS. Bottoms spent 20 years hitting the pavements as a street cop, breaking up prostitution rings, making drug busts and arresting the graffiti vandals of New York City. He took pride in his work but after the years of stress that started to build up and he had a nervous breakdown in the most unfortunate moments of a police officers career.

                                                         

It was after his break down that he decided to retire and moved to small town Pratt, KS, assuming the sleepy town with 6,500 people would improve his health and help him relax. He accepted the job at the local airport and was surprised to discover that his new partner, Woody, the spunky little corgi was not only a bomb sniffing dog but he was also trained in sniffing for large amounts of money.

 *queue montage of Woody training at the dog academy with Eye of the Tiger playing*

                                                          

It took a few weeks and a few misunderstandings but Bottoms and Woody found their rhythm and routine. One night, during one of their routine patrols through the small airport Woody sniffed that something was amiss. By the time Woody got Bottoms attention it was too late. Old Lady Helen had already made her escape and all that remained were the light tire streak marks from her hover round. With the help of Ellie, owner and baker of the small bakery in the airport and her Jack Russell Terrier Molly, they discovered that Old Lady Helen was smuggling money from the airport to support her addiction to sugar free hard candies, crossword puzzles and her enormous Bingo debt.

                                                      

And that's how Helen got into her enormous Bingo debt...

                       

 Cast List

Hairy Bottoms- Mark Wahlberg

Woody- Corgi

Ellie, Baker and Bottoms love interest- Elizabeth Banks

Molly, Woody’s love interest- Jack Russell

Old Lady Helen- Betty White

Tune in next week to read about our 2014 summer comedy:

Dr. Hurts and Dr. Kill
Prescribing laughter for summer 2014

A Conversation with "Chris"

Sometimes when "Chris" and I have a conversation via text we don't use words. Instead we use the SMS faces app and to be honest I think these conversations make more sense since there are none of my nonsensicle autocorrect gibberish that we have to decipher.

So, here's the background of the conversation that "Chris" and I are about to have. I went to work last night in capris and flip flops without checking the weather. About 15 minutes before my shift ended a huge thunderstorm occurred. I hope you can see where I'm going with this. Basically, it rained so much that I probably should have RSVP'd to Noah's Arc party and I was practically barefoot running across the parking lot trying to get to my car. This is the Facebook status I posted on my personal page and caused the almost wordless conversation between "Chris" and I.

"Wore flip flops to work and stepped in a giant mud puddle in the parking lot. It's ok, the mud got washed away when I stepped in the mostly rain water puddle in my drive way."

                                                              

                                                                                                                                                                                                           

As you can see, I clearly won the argument with my "Dinkleberg" comment.

 

Single and Not Wanting to Mingle, Bitches

First and foremost, if you haven’t liked the blogs official Facebook page or Twitter (ok, the twitter is my personal one and I don’t regret all my I hate Jodi Arias tweets) you totes should. You can either click here for Facebook and here for Twitter or just look over to the left and click on the word Facebook and Twitter.
 
I’m not sure what happened the other day but I think I may have had an epiphany of some sort. I don’t recall what I was doing at the time other then I suddenly heard the angels sing and there was this bright light surrounding me. I was probably at work which would account for me just blankly staring at the computer for about 10 minutes.
                                                              

I’ve always been a fan of romantic comedies. You know the kind, the awkward girl makes googlie eyes at the handsome guy she doesn’t have a chance with, they date, they overcome some obstacles and then they get married. Happily ever after! And to be honest I think my addiction to romantic comedies has created some unrealistic expectations when it comes to love and relationships in real life. I have yet to date a guy that knew me so well that he could read my thoughts like in the movies or randomly showed up at my job to admit that although we’ve been friends for so long I’m the one he’s been searching for his entire life or chased after me to declare his undying love for me. To be completely honest, if any of the above scenarios happened I would probably first die of embarrassment and then call the cops for the dude being a creeper.  

But there’s always been this tiny part of me, tucked deep away in my cold, black heart that thinks maybe, just maybe this guy is the perfect one for me. We’ll date, fall in love, have a big fight and then after some deep soul searching (queue the montage of me staring out a window while it rains and some sappy love song plays) he’ll declare his love for me and we’ll run into each other’s arms. Or meet at the top of Empire State Building. Maybe I’ll walk out of a church after someone’s wedding and find him leaning against his car. I told you my expectations were warped.
                                                                         

 

My epiphany that I talked earlier is in regards to this. I’ve been so focused on finding that other half and feeling as if I was missing something in my life. I see my friends’ Facebook pages covered in pictures of them with their spouses and looking all happy and crap. Look at all this fun we’re having and you’re SINGLE AND ALONE!
                                                         

“Oh just me and hubby grocery shopping. What an adventure that you can’t have because you’re single!”
                                                                               

                                                                     

 “Oh just me and the misses on a date night at the movies and you’re not here because you’re at home shoving cookies in your face while looking at Lolz Cat because YOU’RE FOREVER ALONE!”
                                                                         

Yeah, this is my reaction to your stupid posts, fyi.

 And here’s the conclusion I came to. Fuck Relationships. Fuck the headache dating brings and fuck the time I waste on guys who can’t even spend ten minutes talking to me. So all you couples out there that keep posting about how happy you are that you found your soul mate, how you just can’t live without the other and god forbid you have to spend one night without the other, you can take all that happiness (and trust me the happier you make the post the more we know you’re actually unhappy) and shove it up your ass.
                                       

             
You know why? I’ve decided that I’m going to look on the bright side of things. Here’s a list of things that I get to enjoy because I don’t have someone joined at MY hip:

·         I can do whatever I want, whenever I want

·         Spend the day doing nothing and looking homely? Check!

·         Oh, is that extra cash in my bank account? SHOPPING SPREE!

·         None of that awkward, oh no I’ve never heard that story that you actually told me about a million times before but I’m being polite and acting like this is the first time I’ve ever heard it even though I would LOVE to shove a dirty gym sock in your mouth right now

·         You know how you have to compromise on some TV shows? I don’t. Suckas.

·         I don’t have headaches!

·         You know how you have to consider your significant other before making some type of life altering decision? Oh, do I want to have spaghetti or hamburger for dinner but the significant other is on a diet so I should just make a salad. I can have a damn burger and a piece of cake for an entire week if I want to.

·         I don’t start my sentences with, “WE love going there,” or “WE did this over the weekend.”

·         You know that couple that can’t seem spend a single moment without each other? My parents raised me to be an independent woman and I can’t be more thankful.

Now, I’m not saying that I never want to get married and start a family. Honestly, it’s something that I want very much but not for a really, really long time. But what I’m getting at is that I’m not going to worry that I’m getting older and there still isn’t a prospect of a husband in the near future. I’m not going to spend every moment of every day wondering why I’m single and alone and everyone I’ve gone to high school with is married with kids. Instead, I’m going to enjoy this time in my life. I’m going to enjoy the fact that I can spend my free time doing what I enjoy. I’m going to enjoy the fact that I don’t have to put someone else’s concerns or needs before mine and I’m definitely going to enjoy the time that I can sleep in on my days off. I won’t have to feel guilty when a kid comes up to me and says, “Momma I need lunch money.” And I replied with, “Well, momma needs shoe money so get a job, kid.” Why? Because it’s not my kid, genius.