Let's Go to the Mall, TODAY!

                                                                             

One thing that I’ve noticed when I drive is that sometimes it seems other drivers sense when you’re in some sort of distress and therefore do the complete opposite of what you’re hoping. Let me explain that a little more clearly to you. Last weekend I went to Oklahoma City to do a little damage to my bank account. I always have my mom’s voice in my head that before I leave the house; use the bathroom. So I did. I also went to Starbucks and got a super tasty Venti something something with an extra shot of espresso because the barista was all “Doesn’t that sound awesome?!” And with her enthusiasm it totally did.

I just barely made it into the Oklahoma City limits when my bladder got all mad and was like, “Umm…you need to pull over, like 10 minutes ago.” Meanwhile I was driving and thinking, “Damn, bladder chill. We’re almost at the mall.” This imaginary conversation went on for quite some time until my bladder started causing me physical harm (massive cramps). At this point I was about 5 minutes from the mall but this elderly couple in front of me felt it was appropriate to turn that into a 20 minute drive. And I’m pretty sure the conversation between the two old jerks went something like this (also, imagine them with those pretentious kind of like a British but they’re not British accents):

“Oh shnookums, I do believe that woman in the dashing black Cruze behind us is in distress.”

“Why, daaaaaaaaahling, I do believe you are correct. And by the way she’s screaming and hunched over the steering wheel she may need to use the facilities.”

“Oh but honey bunches, I knooooooooow the speed limit is 60 but I think it’ll be really beneficial if we just putter about going 30.”

“Cuddle bum I do believe that is a very smart idea. That’ll teach her to drink a gianormous beverage before partaking on a nearly 2 hour journey.”

Meanwhile, this is me in my car:

“OHMYFUCKINGGODWHATISWRONGWITHYOU?!?!!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHI’MDYINGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The mall came into view and I could hear the angels singing, a bright light shone over the mall because the end was near. Yeah, those dreams were crushed when I realized I was going to the mall on a Saturday afternoon and saw how packed the parking lot was. I spent another 20 minutes swearing like a pirate and looking for a parking spot nearest the bathrooms. I pee-peed danced/walked quickly into and through out Dillards until I finally found my salvation.

That happy moment of sweet relief was also met with awkwardness when I was in a stall and a woman walked in, paused and said “Oh, there you are.” She was actually referring to someone else that was apparently hidden in the corner applying her make-up. They spent the next few minutes talking about how someone’s uncle was in jail but neither knew why. Probably because he was busy chatting away in the bathroom while someone was trying to take care of business.

So, I was going to open the giveaway tonight but “Chris” is causing a delay. Yeah, you read that correct “Chris.” The Nerf gun has been purchased I’m just waiting on a certain SOMEONE to sign it so I can post a picture of it on here and you guys can “Ohhhhh” and “Ahhhhh” at its amazingness. Well, maybe next week. Until then, let’s all give “Chris” the shady eyes.