Single and Not Wanting to Mingle, Bitches

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I’m not sure what happened the other day but I think I may have had an epiphany of some sort. I don’t recall what I was doing at the time other then I suddenly heard the angels sing and there was this bright light surrounding me. I was probably at work which would account for me just blankly staring at the computer for about 10 minutes.
                                                              

I’ve always been a fan of romantic comedies. You know the kind, the awkward girl makes googlie eyes at the handsome guy she doesn’t have a chance with, they date, they overcome some obstacles and then they get married. Happily ever after! And to be honest I think my addiction to romantic comedies has created some unrealistic expectations when it comes to love and relationships in real life. I have yet to date a guy that knew me so well that he could read my thoughts like in the movies or randomly showed up at my job to admit that although we’ve been friends for so long I’m the one he’s been searching for his entire life or chased after me to declare his undying love for me. To be completely honest, if any of the above scenarios happened I would probably first die of embarrassment and then call the cops for the dude being a creeper.  

But there’s always been this tiny part of me, tucked deep away in my cold, black heart that thinks maybe, just maybe this guy is the perfect one for me. We’ll date, fall in love, have a big fight and then after some deep soul searching (queue the montage of me staring out a window while it rains and some sappy love song plays) he’ll declare his love for me and we’ll run into each other’s arms. Or meet at the top of Empire State Building. Maybe I’ll walk out of a church after someone’s wedding and find him leaning against his car. I told you my expectations were warped.
                                                                         

 

My epiphany that I talked earlier is in regards to this. I’ve been so focused on finding that other half and feeling as if I was missing something in my life. I see my friends’ Facebook pages covered in pictures of them with their spouses and looking all happy and crap. Look at all this fun we’re having and you’re SINGLE AND ALONE!
                                                         

“Oh just me and hubby grocery shopping. What an adventure that you can’t have because you’re single!”
                                                                               

                                                                     

 “Oh just me and the misses on a date night at the movies and you’re not here because you’re at home shoving cookies in your face while looking at Lolz Cat because YOU’RE FOREVER ALONE!”
                                                                         

Yeah, this is my reaction to your stupid posts, fyi.

 And here’s the conclusion I came to. Fuck Relationships. Fuck the headache dating brings and fuck the time I waste on guys who can’t even spend ten minutes talking to me. So all you couples out there that keep posting about how happy you are that you found your soul mate, how you just can’t live without the other and god forbid you have to spend one night without the other, you can take all that happiness (and trust me the happier you make the post the more we know you’re actually unhappy) and shove it up your ass.
                                       

             
You know why? I’ve decided that I’m going to look on the bright side of things. Here’s a list of things that I get to enjoy because I don’t have someone joined at MY hip:

·         I can do whatever I want, whenever I want

·         Spend the day doing nothing and looking homely? Check!

·         Oh, is that extra cash in my bank account? SHOPPING SPREE!

·         None of that awkward, oh no I’ve never heard that story that you actually told me about a million times before but I’m being polite and acting like this is the first time I’ve ever heard it even though I would LOVE to shove a dirty gym sock in your mouth right now

·         You know how you have to compromise on some TV shows? I don’t. Suckas.

·         I don’t have headaches!

·         You know how you have to consider your significant other before making some type of life altering decision? Oh, do I want to have spaghetti or hamburger for dinner but the significant other is on a diet so I should just make a salad. I can have a damn burger and a piece of cake for an entire week if I want to.

·         I don’t start my sentences with, “WE love going there,” or “WE did this over the weekend.”

·         You know that couple that can’t seem spend a single moment without each other? My parents raised me to be an independent woman and I can’t be more thankful.

Now, I’m not saying that I never want to get married and start a family. Honestly, it’s something that I want very much but not for a really, really long time. But what I’m getting at is that I’m not going to worry that I’m getting older and there still isn’t a prospect of a husband in the near future. I’m not going to spend every moment of every day wondering why I’m single and alone and everyone I’ve gone to high school with is married with kids. Instead, I’m going to enjoy this time in my life. I’m going to enjoy the fact that I can spend my free time doing what I enjoy. I’m going to enjoy the fact that I don’t have to put someone else’s concerns or needs before mine and I’m definitely going to enjoy the time that I can sleep in on my days off. I won’t have to feel guilty when a kid comes up to me and says, “Momma I need lunch money.” And I replied with, “Well, momma needs shoe money so get a job, kid.” Why? Because it’s not my kid, genius.
                                                                         

Wanna Go Steady?

As you guys know I’ve decided to enter the world of online dating. I have a crappy schedule and am kind of, sort of really shy so. Basically, I have a hard time meeting guys and when I do I get all awkward. The kind of awkward where someone will say hi to me and I’ll get that deer caught in the headlights look and mumble something about gnomes while I slowly blend into the wall.

I’ve only been online dating for a few weeks and the thing I’ve noticed is that it’s a lot like an elementary school dance. Boys are standing on one side of the wall while the girls whisper and giggle to each other while standing on the opposite side of the room. They all kind of look at each other until one of the boys takes a step forward. At that moment everything stops, even the cheesy 90’s love song that’s playing. The girls hold their breath as they wonder which one he’s going to ask to dance and the boys stare in amusement all the while thinking of the jokes they’ll tell if the boy is rejected. And just like that the brave little boy takes a step back and everything goes back to normal.

That is online dating. These sites will show you who checked out your profile so you can in turn check out theirs. From what I’ve noticed, if they are not interested they won’t check your profile out a second time. If you’re really lucky and that person is interested they might send you a “wink” or even message you. However, if you’re anything like me you check out their profile, they check out yours, you check theirs again and this vicious cycle continues for several days until one of you gets bored and just stops.

I’ve also noticed that I’m not the only flake on this planet. I’ll see a new message in the inbox, we’ll have a nice conversation for a few a days, might even exchange numbers and them BAM! Complete silence. It’s like the last few days of my awkward flirting never happened. And yes, I’ll do that slightly obsessive thing where I reread the messages wondering if I said something that was offensive and then come to the conclusion that he’s an idiot and I have to paint my nails anyway.

Along with the flakes you also have the occasional weirdo that wants to see pictures of your feet, the guy who has pictures of himself with kids but then prefers to not answer if he has kids or wants kids and then you have the guy who just cannot get the hint. He’s checked out your profile and you looked at his and determined no, no sir I am not interested in being your child bride. But every day he sends you a message about how he’ll take care of you and how much fun the two of you will have. And even though you’ve ignored his 15^th message, he still just doesn’t get the hint.

I’m still on the fence about this whole online dating thing. I don’t know if it’s from watching How I Met Your Mother or all those romantic comedies but I feel like meeting someone online takes away a little of the romance. When someone asks how you met it’s just a simple, “Oh his profile totally caught my eye on whatever website.” I’m not saying that I want some big, almost hard to believe story but something more than meeting online. Kind of like Ted Mosby except for the whole it takes 9 years to tell the story. COME ON MAN, HOW DID YOU MEET THE MOM??!? JUST TELL US ALREADY!

On a completely unrelated topic, do you work with someone that has an odd taste in desk décor? I don’t mean like awkward vacation pictures or paintings from their kids. I mean like a weird little figurine. Ok, well I’ll get right to the point. There is one co-worker who has this mini pumpkin that her kid painted on her desk. It’s been there since Halloween and it gives me the freakin creeps. Sometimes when I’m at my desk I’ll get this eerie feeling, the kind that makes the hair on the back of my neck, and as I glance over the short wall of my cubicle I see that it is staring at me. There are times when I swear it turns slowly on it’s own just to stare me down. Don’t believe me? Here, take a look.

It's evil.

ALSO! GUYS! FREE NERF GUN!!! I know you want it and all you have to do is type your name in the comment section below! Also, if you live internationally you can totally enter and I’m going to pay for the shipping and handling. Why am I doing this? Because my dear, sweet adorable readers, this is my gift to you. SO GET TO ENTERING!

Rocking to the Oldies

My dear, adorable readers I apologize for being gone for so long. Oh the turmoil you must have gone through while I just lazied about watching old episodes of Mr.Bean. My favorite will always be the one where he was in church and just being obnoxious to the guy next him by trying to unwrap a piece of candy or falls asleep and scares himself. Classic.

Anywho, guess what? I'm totally typing this to you via my new iPad! I KNOW! AHHH IT'S SO EXCITING! Let's hold hands and jump up and down screaming!!! AHHHH!!! Ok, enough of that. You look foolish.

So, lately I've been thinking that as funny as the crazy cat lady jokes I kind of, sort of, really don't want to end up as her. So, I'm taking action! Being a full-time student with a full-time job with a night shift really limits my time. I could go out to the bars after work but all I would really find would be the drunk guys or the sober guys trying to pick off the even drunker ladies. I could find an activity in the morning to meet- ha, who am I kidding myself. I'm lucky if I wake up early enough for a doctor appointment. Instead, I'm testing out online dating. Yes, I know it takes the whimsy out of the where did you meet story but to be honest I'm not expecting too much out of this.

I set up the same profile on two different sites, one free and one not so free. I always hate that tell us about yourself section. I just sit in front of the computer with a blank stare on my face and the sound of the ocean playing in my head. "I'm uhh...I'm hi?" After a while I finally came up with a short but slightly witty paragraph that didn't make me sound too much like a lunatic. Although there have been a few gentlemen that seem nice enough I can't help but notice something that both sites have in common. Really old men like me. I don't mean old as in a few years, I mean in their 50's old. They send messages (Hey cutie!) and winks but never reply back when I tell them they're the same age (sometimes older) then my dad. I will keep you guys updated if I find my true love, Daddy Warbucks.

I bet you guys are all on the edge of your seats wondering where we currently stand with the Nerf Gun giveaway. Well, we haven't hit 1000 hits yet but we're close. So here are the current numbers and I just want to say, those of you in foreign lands are totally welcome to participate when I start the giveaway!