Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Spider Bitch

A few weeks ago I saw a meme either on Facebook or Instgram (hastag all the hashtags) and it something along the lines of, “How awkward would it be if spiders could scream?” I have since been unable to find said meme. Ok, well, I tried looking for it, then my tummy had the rumblies so I got up and ate some cookies. Then I started watching cartoons and completely forgot all about it and here we are ...about three weeks after I saw the original meme and was going to blog about it. #forgetfulheffer Whoops, thought I was on Instagram.

So, back to the original point. How awkward would it be if spiders could scream? Well, I can tell you I probably wouldn't Hulk stomp (while I'm screaming my Amazon warrior cry) on them as often. But then I got to thinking...if those little bastards could scream I'm sure those bitches would be able to talk. And then that led into this little montage of pictures.

In short, I fracking hate spiders. 


Saturday, January 18, 2014

Scouts Honor

I bet you didn't know this but I was totes a girl scout. Yeah, you read that right, I rocked that nerdy green uniform and everything...for about two whole weeks. That's about how long it took me to realize that the scouts wasn't really for me and I'm sure my mom was tired of all the damn fundraisers and bake sales she had to take me to.

 I know the goal of the scouts is to empower young girls to be smart, independent women, learn useful skills that will follow them throughout their lives and to peddle cookies. I'm sure my mom had the best intentions when she signed me up but then again I'm sure she did it mostly because of this:

And this:

And of course, this:
 It may have just been the troop I was assigned to but it didn't really feel like a fun group of girls. Instead, it felt more like a clique of girls who weren't fond of outsiders joining. Don't get me wrong, at first they were pretty stoked about a new member.

But then the novelty wore off and they went back to their separate groups to talk about the new girl and to talk about each other. 

The moms weren't much different but the girls had to learn from some where.

Not to mention I thought we would do more cool stuff like learn about outer space, learn how to read a map and use a compass and play with Ninja Turtles. Instead, it was bake sales, learning how to wrap gifts and sit in a smelly room and talk about camping.

Thus, ended my two week career as a girl scout. I ditched that nerdy uniform and went back to more important things. Ninja Turtles. 

Also, have you liked this super awesome blogs Facebook page? If the answer is no well, you're breakin' my balls! So, just click on this little linkie riiiiiiiight here and hit the like button home fries!

Dreamy Frogs

Dreams can be funny. You go to sleep and your mind creates this bizarre movie and the only way to shut it off is by waking up. Most of the time you’re thestar and you can be anything from a flying super hero to running away from a crazed psycho clown wielding a chainsaw in one hand and giant man eating spider in the other. 

And sometimes you dream about falling off a cliff and do that really awkward body spasm, which if you’re anything like me you wake up and your dog looks at you like you’ve lost your damn mind.

Every now and then you might even have a dream about something that contains hidden meaning about something that’s going on during your waking life. It’s kind of like your subconscious is trying to give you the answers to a test but when you wake up you forget all the answers.

Or you just have a dream and wake up thinking, “what the fuck was that?” That happened to me the other night. I woke up and just thought to myself that maybe dream me was high on opium (cause it’s classy like that). Let’s explore my dream, shall we?

So, it starts with me at a party.

 I’m not sure why most of this is in black and white. I googled (for about two seconds because then I got bored) and found that peeps typically 60 or above tend to dream in black and white while the younger folks dream mostly in color. I guess me dreaming in black and white goes right along with my old age of 28…considering I’m forgetful, blind as a bat and like hard candies.

ANYWAY!  I’m at some shindig and everyone is hobnobbing. I have no idea who anyone is or how I got there and even though I’m standing in the middle of the room and awkwardly staring at peeps, no one notices me. Some of the people there are fancy, I mean like monocles, canes (like Malfoy’s dad in Harry Potter) and sparkly diamonds and jewels. Then there are peeps like me, dressed like they’re heading to Target because well, if they were heading to Walmart they would be in dirty wife beaters and Christmas fleece pajama bottoms.

Suddenly, a person appears in front of me. I have no idea if this is a dude or a lady but they tell me that this is a really special party. It’s special because they’re going to give me an animal and as long as I take really good care of this animal then something really good will happen to me in the near future.
What animal did I get, you ask? A super adorable sloth? Nope. An annoying Taylor Swift singing goat? No. Oh, I must have gotten a mega cute panda bear! Nope. Instead, I was presented with this little guy:
This person dramatically waves their arm towards the wall and sitting on the table are two medium sized aquariums. Each looked the same, a little bit of water, some rocks, a little plant life and a small, green and black frog. I only have to take care of the one frog because another person gets the other. 
 I go to the tank and check out my new little friend (HA). I look over to ask this person why the aquarium wasn’t covered because well, common sense would dictate that little Kermie would jump out to freedom, unfortunately, mystery he/she has disappeared into the party. So, instead I reach my hand into the tank and pull little Kermie out. Seeing as how I’m a regular person I worried about little friend jumping out of my hand so I held him a little tightly. 
After a few minutes I noticed that Kermie wasn't making any movements like he was trying to break free. Curiousity got the better of me so I decided to loosen my grip and see what would happen. He just sat there, chillin’ on the palm of my hand. 
I decided I wanted to check out the rest of the animals and see what everyone else at the party got. I was a little worried about a hawk or something snatching the little fella up so do I put him back in the aquarium? Nope, instead I put him in one of the safest places I could think of. My bra. 

I don’t mean like I squished the poor thing between my boob and the bra. Poor fella would suffocate. Instead, I placed him in the little area between the cleave and bra and to be honest, he seemed pretty comfortable there. I mean, who wouldn’t, AM I RIGHT?!!?!? *baddacha!*

The dream gets a little fuzzy after that. All I really remember after that point is checking of Kermie every now and then and then seeing a random horse.

After I woke up I started to wonder about the whole dream. Was it just some off the wall, bat shit crazy dream or was it one of those weird, you’re brain has something to tell you but instead of being up front it tells you secret, Da Vinci Code type codes you have to crack? I asked my all-knowing friend Google about the meaning of frogs in dreams. There were quite a few responses on it.

To see a frog in your dream represents a potential for change or the unexpected. The frog may be a prince in disguise and thus, signify transformation, renewal or rebirth.

Then there was this:

 Alternatively, the frog symbolizes uncleanness or fertility.

But then there was this:

Frogs represent blessings, love, and prosperity. If you dream of holding a frog in your hands, it suggests you fondest wish shall come true.

I told a fellow co-worker about the dream and her theory is that the frog is a prince in disguise. She further backed this theory by pointing out there was a second aquarium with a second, similar frog and that maybe, just maybe, the person I’m destined to meet is taking care of the second frog. It’s a cute idea, would be pretty neat if it were true but in the end it was just a dream. Maybe tonight I’ll dream about marrying my long time crush, Ryan Reynolds.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Lyrics and Junk

Hey guys. I know it's been a while and as much as I would love to tell you about all the adventures and crap I've been on that would explain an almost three month hiatus, I cannot. Mostly because I didn't go on any super cray cray adventures. Much like everyone else in the world I got swallowed whole and spit out with the holidays. Although, to be honest, I did have a few days where I could have caught up with everyone. Trust me, I had all the intention to do so.

That's how I had planned those glorious free days. Instead, it ended up more like this:

So, I guess I should get everyone all caught up on my super busy social life. Well, let's see. I bought some fish. Then they died. So I bought some more fish and then one of my cats ate one of them. OH! I got a new hair cut.

This is the before. I know what you're all thinking, "But Rosie! You look like such a beauty queen! Why would you cut off your beautiful, luscious locks of hair?" The simple answer, I was bored and wanted something new. Wanna see it?

Look at that sexy beast! Smizing like a billion times better than Tyra ever could. I know, my hair cut is totes adorbs!

Alright, that's enough catching up. ON TO THE ACTUAL BLOG POST!

If you're like me then you probably have about a billion songs in your little music device thingie (I use an old Ipod...) and out of those billion there's probably about 50 that you don't remember even adding to your playlist. The other night when I was driving home from work one of those songs came on and at first I was thinking, Yeah! I love this song!

Then as the song played I began to listen to the actual lyrics and couldn't help but think that Ms. Laura Branigan was that crazy ex-girlfriend who didn't understand the concept of letting go. Don't believe me? Well, let's take a gander at those lyrics together. 

How am I Suppose to Live Without You
(Ok, come one. Even the title is on the clinger side)

I could hardly believe it
When I heard the news today

I had to come and get it straight from you

They said you were leavin'
Someone's swept your heart away
From the look upon your face, I see it's true
 So tell me all about it
Tell me 'bout the plans you're makin'
Tell me one thing more before I go

Tell me how am I suppose to live without you?
Now that I've been lovin' you so long
How am I suppose to live without you?
And how am I suppose to carry on?
When all that I've been livin' for is gone

I didn't come here for cryin'
Didn't come here to break down
It's just a dream of mine is coming to an end

And how can I blame you
When I build my world around
The hope that one day we'd be so much more than friends
And I don't wanna know the price
I'm gonna pay for dreaming
Even now it's more than I can take

Tell me how am I suppose to live without you?
Now that I've been lovin' you so long
How am I suppose to live without you?
And how am I suppose to carry on? 
When all that I've been livin' for is gone

And I don't wanna face the price
I'm gonna pay for dreaming
Now that your dream has come true

Tell me how am I suppose to live without you?
Now that I've been lovin' you so long
How am I suppose to live without you?
And how am I suppose to carry on?
When all that I've been livin' for is gone

You guys thought I got a little morbid with that second to last picture, huh? She's a crazy ex-girlfriend, you know she has some ninja stuff up her sleeve. I mean come on! You SAW the stalker like pictures she had. 

So here's an extra picture. I had a place for it in the this post and then forgot how I was going to segway it in. But I like it so here's my awkward ending. 

People can be so dramatic about my singing sometimes....

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The Unhappiest Place on Earth

When I was 5 or 6 my parents decided to take my brother and I to Disney World. You know, that one place that's also known as the happiest place on earth? That one GIANT amusement park that Walt Disney created so that when people went to it they would feel as if they were in some magical wonderland. That one place that just about every kid on the planet dreams of going. That one place where I was the grumpiest kid. Yeah, you read that right I went to Disney World and I was GRUMPY.

I have no idea why I was so grumpy. To be honest, I didn't realize just how grumpy I was until my brother and I were reminiscing and looking through the "Disney World Rosie Hates Everything" photo album. Fun fact, I was grumpy though out most of my childhood. We have albums upon albums where just about every other picture is me frowning, rolling my eyes or glaring into the camera.

I like to think that maybe I was just an old soul trapped in a 6 year old body. Instead of screaming and rejoicing with my fellow Disney loving age group, I was too busy wishing they would quiet down, wishing the lines for the rides were shorter and that I could get out of the hot sun. While all the happy children were busy bombarding all the Disney characters for pictures and autographs, I was standing to the side, glaring at everyone one of those drooling idiots.

Ah, the most magical place on Earth.....

Effing Pluto
Even ice cream couldn't make me happy
Fuck you tea cups
Dumb ass Dumbo ride....
Even surrounded by Disney Princesses, I was still mega ass grumpy
Fuck you Disney World and you're NOT happy happiness crap

See, you guys thought I was making this shit up. Also, my brother had this weird thing about kissing the noses of the Disney characters with the plastic faces. So, all of them. We went back a few years later and I tried to make up for all the grumpiness. "OH MY GOD IS THAT GRUMPY THE DWARF?" (oh, the irony) But I was still reminded of that trip where I hated everything.