Running With Zombies

I've always wanted to be that one girl at the park that runs all casually like it's nothing. Or that girl at the gym that's running on the treadmill on level 10, incline 4000 and speed 60 kajillion while she flips through Cosmo magazine and texts all at once. I hate that bitch but mostly because I can barely last 5 minutes on the ARC machine, only to get my foot stuck in the pedal and creating  this awkward scene at the gym.

Unfortunately, I've always been insecure about my body and never tried running or jogging. Despite what "Chris" said about me when I was apparently "running" from him inside WalMart the other night. I WAS WALKING! Just a little quicker than usual...

Anyway, "Chris" and I decided to try the couch to 5k workout since it's a workout that gradually gets your ass running. Needless to say, I whimped out on the running portion our first day at the park. Which looked a little something like this:

 

 

 

I died a little.

That night at work "Chris" found out about this app called Zombies, Run! I had heard about it years ago but completely forgot about it. Basically, it's an app that, like Couch to 5k, helps you gradually get into the running process. The difference is that this app uses zombies coming after your ass as a motivator. It's a pretty cool little app. It has this story line where you're in a helicopter crash and you some how find your way to Abel Township. However, Dr. Mary ( I can't remember her name) is a massive biotch who tells you if you're not able to bring back medical supplies from the abandoned hospital they may not be able to let you into the township. Oh, Dr. Mary, you just wait until I get you alone...OH NO! She had a bite mark on her arm so I killed her. Yeah, take THAT Dr. Mary.  

 So, as you're walking the story plays out until someone yells, "RUN!" Then another voice tells you that zombies are x amount of km away. You actually hear the zombies and the closer they are, the louder they are in your headset. So while it felt like this was happening:

 

It was really more like this:

That's a leery prairie dog..

 The other fun part of this game is that it gives you missions to complete. Basically you have to find crap or Dr. Mary-I'm-A-Total-Dickbag won't let you back into the township. To be honest, some of these items are completely random. 

 

"Chris" found a baseball bat while I found underwear...

I also found about 3 pairs of trousers, a pair of shorts and at least a billion sports bras.

While "Chris" kept finding all the important stuff like 1st aid kits and weapons.

We're still trying to figure out how the game knew I needed sports bras. That's another thing that keeps me from running. The fear that I'll knock myself unconscious with my boobs because, well, I'm quite..."busty." Want to know about other random things I collected while avoiding zombie hoards?

Random Shit I Found

• Multiple bottles of water
• 5 cell phones
• Power cable
• 6 First aid kits (see, I wasn't totally useless!)
• Kensaido manifesto (whoever that is..)
• Bandages (to smother the good doctor with..)
• Axe
• Pain meds
• CDC box
• Tinned food (not sure if that came with a can opener..)
• Shorts
• 3 Pairs of trousers
• 8 Sports bras
• 2 Pairs of underwear
• Baseball bat
• A book 

 So far Zombies, Run! is a pretty useful tool for exercise seeing as how I'm excited to try out the next level called, "Lay of the Land." Maybe I'll run longer than 30 seconds.

Also, after years and years and years of rumors that we would be getting a Target, my town FINALLY got one. The typo in the headline is the reason Lawton can't have nice things.

 

Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains

I was reading a recent post by the lurvly Tea over at Unsweetened Tea (you should totally check out the rest of the blog as well) and she wrote about her zombie apocalypse plan and that got me thinking about my plans. A few months ago, “Sean” and I started devising a plan that included the peeps we work with. It started mostly as a joke as in who would be who in the group (ie, leader, the lackey, the muscles, the idiot who gets everyone killed) and then it snow balled to include actual family members and a for real actual plan. FYI, “Sean” nominated himself as group leader and apparently I am the group’s comedic relief. He then quickly retracted that by saying in order for me to be the comedic relief I have to be funny. Don’t worry guys, he may be the leader but we’ll just undermine him and create our own group that will rise out of the ashes like the majestic phoenixes we are!

**Editors Note

Apparently, “Sean” switched my group title from comedic relief (apparently that person is easily dispensable) to food and shelter person. I hope you like sleeping under a pile of leaves while eating candy.

So, here are some things to consider when making a plan for the brain hungry zombies:

                                                                    

Dress code: You want to dress in layers and preferably in camo, since you’ll be frolicking out in the wilderness and what not. Also, you’ll be running so ladies, keep the “do me pumps” at home. I know, I know you want to be all, “Hey, fellas. Check me out.” I’m going to be honest, if I see you in those shoes I will not hesitate to push you, thus making you break your ankle and further thus making you into zombie bait. This also goes for anyone with sagging pants. I will pants you, push you, and laugh as you trip and snap an ankle or something. I may be nice at first, “aw, let me help you along,” but the minute there’s a hoard of zombies I’m drop kicking you to the ground and making a run for it. I AIN’T PLAYIN!

Always carry a toothbrush: I understand the whole world has gone to hell but that doesn’t mean you can’t brush your teeth. I don’t want to deal with your funky breath on top of zombies so get that under control. Also, you can make your toothbrush into a prison shank to stab zombies. However, you may not want to brush your teeth with said toothbrush after you’ve used it to stab a zombie in the brain…

Weapons: Guns, obviously. And when I say guns I don’t mean Nerf Guns, granted “Chris” is a pretty good shot with one when he’s not looking. I still have some PTSD from the “incident.” You will want to limit how often you use the gun because god forbid you get all gun happy the first 10 minutes of the outbreak and now you’re out of ammo, sucker. Also, guns make loud noises and that will attract more of the brain loving zombies. You’ll also want something light weight weapon, such as, crow bar, shovel, or metal pole that you can use in close combat. My light weight weapon of choice would be a baseball bat. That’s just me though. Rope may also come in handy when it comes to escapes, traps and just tying someone up and leaving them in the middle of no where because the bitch ate my candy.  

Shelter: If you’re first thought about shelter was a hospital then you have been uninvited from the group. Actually, no, we may need you as bait so don’t go anywhere. Ideally, you’ll want a place like this, however not all of us can afford such a marvelous shelter, unless we all pool our money together. Scratch that, I can already sense a Ten Little Indians scenario brewing. Find a nice place in the country, if people are already inhabiting it, kick them to the curb and hoist your flag up. This is your house now, bitch.

Fitness: This fat girl needs to work on her cardio. God forbid the outbreak includes the rage infected zombie types that are like zombies on crack from 28 Days Later. I would be dead within 2 seconds of that outbreak. Even if it’s with the slow moving Shaun of the Dead, you’ll still want to get that cardio in gear. There’s going to be a lot of running, climbing and hiding out so yeah, get to exercising.

                                                                  

Exactly.

Group Dynamics: Know your role in the group and understand that if you want act all cray cray I will pretend that you were bit and I will either a) devise a plan for zombies to eat you, b) kill you myself, c) spread a rumor that you like Justin Bieber and let the group decide your fate. Just depends on how I feel that day. Also, if you were bit and no one saw it happen, you better accept your fate and speak up. Don’t be mad at the rest of the group because your dumbass got caught and now you want the rest of us to pay for your mistake. If you aren't the group asshat I’ll be nice and wait for you to actually die and shoot you in the brain (and double tap that shit) before you turn. I only expect the same in return, however I doubt it’ll happen.

So, theses are just a few tips. I’m not going to give away all my secrets and I’m too lazy to provide all the in depth details, however if you feel that you would make a good addition to the zombie group then cool. Maybe we should collaborate on some ideas and what not. I don’t know how to end this post. Here, look at this:



Cause this is THRILLLLLLAH! And Harry Potter.





The Biebs

I never understood the whole Justin Bieber obsession. Even when he first came out (haha, totally didn’t intend that) and most of the girls (and some of the dudes, you know who you are) were all fan girling over the 13 year Usher “prodigy.” They were all “Oh my gosh he’s so adorable,” and “oh my gosh, I love his music.” And I was like, “oh my gosh! Shoot me in the face.” It also creeps me out when older women fan girl him considering he still looks about 12, even when he’s walking around without a shirt. He just looks like some 12 year old with spray painted abs. Like the ones that one guy you dated a while back did as a way to impress you but instead it just rubbed off on your clothes. Oh, that wasn’t you? My bad, I guess that happened to someone else I know.

While we’re on this topic of the Biebster and his fashion, can someone please explain to me the whole sagging phenomena?? I mean, this giant toddler has brought sagging to a whole new level. Even as a teenager I never thought the whole walk around with your jeans around your ankles in public look was attractive. One time while I was living in Wales I was with a group of friends waiting at the bus stop to go out for the evening. And by going out for the evening I totally mean go to the library and study. Ok, now that I’ve completely fooled the parentals, if they’re reading this, what I was really doing was going out to the pubs so that I could part take in fun times with booze and friends. Anyway, there was this guy with another group of people (mostly girls) and he was SAGGING! It may have been the booze from the pre gaming but something came over me. I slowly walked towards this idiot with his sagging jeans and colorful underwear, grabbed his pants and pulled those bitches down! And everyone at the bus stop laughed at his Sponge Bob underwear. I don’t know why he suddenly felt so modest; we all practically saw his underwear already.

 

Who finds this attractive?!! And WHY!?!?

BACK TO THE BIEBSTER! He looks like a 12 year old wearing a poopie diaper and girls think this is attractive? Oh, and let’s not forget this is a genius who snuck his pet monkey on a transatlantic flight and was totes surprised when German officials were like, “umm, got documents of this monkey? No, well, we’re going to quarantine it for a while because it could be carrying the rage virus like the monkey from 28 Days Later.” Let’s also not forget his latest comment about Anne Frank. Haven’t heard this one yet?

So, the Biebs is currently in the Netherlands as he has a concert there or something coming up and decides to take a tour of the Anne Frank house. And when I mean he decides to take a tour I mean that his security clears the entire place so he can walk around (monkeyless) without other tourists all up in his biz. He then leaves this gem of a comment in the guest book:

"Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber."

I personally think she would be a One Direction fan. At least they don’t wear sagging skinny jeans.

On a completely unrelated note, my thoughts and prayers are with those that were affected by the Boston Marathon explosions.



Oh Mr. Rogers.



Is the Circus Hiring?

It’s finals week and that means I’ll be spending the next few days acting like a zombie. I already have the taste for human brains. My room looks like someone tried to ransack it but quickly realized I had nothing of monetary value and gave up while giving me the middle finger. My thought process is a lot slower as well. Example: “Chris” walked by and commented on my two sentences, “Wow, a lot of progress.” And while that would normally be met with “That’s what your mom said last night,” or “Your face!” I shouted I WAS WORKING! I wasn’t really working…I was trying to find a good recipe for brain burger.

                

                                                            

Yesterday I spent at least 8 hours studying for this math final. This isn’t just any math final; it’s my math for elementary teachers final. And while you would think this crap would be easy, it’s not. Apparently, someone got the bright idea that since little kids are like sponges and absorb everything they learn they are capable of learning Algebra and Geometry. Yeah, you read that right. A first grader can totally out Algebra you. So, in the span of 8 hours I worked 120 questions for my final review. When I was finished (about 2am) I decided, hm I’m feeling pretty tired and I bet I’ll fall right to sleep! Nope. That was a lie. I got all comfy and wrapped up in my blankets, laid my head on my favorite pillow and closed my eyes. All was nice and quiet until that stupid voice in my head was all, “Hey. Hey. Hey idiot. Did you buy a scantron? Hey. I know you studied all day but do you remember how to multiply using the Russian Peasant Algorithm? Hey. Hey, stupid face. What time is your final? Hey, guess what. YOU’RE GOING TO FAIL!”

I laid there, eyes wide open and wrapped up in not just blankets but fear and panic. I tried to make that voice shut up, I tried to think of happier things (puppy dogs, kittens, candy, baby frogs), I even tried listening to sleep station on Pandora but none of it worked. Eventually I started to drift off when I realized I had no idea what time my final was. I was pretty sure it was 10am since the study guide for extra credit was due at that time. I tore apart my note book looking for the bright pink syllabus (I swear that teacher must have been some distant cousin of Professor Umbridge). The time of the final was 8am and the current time of my panic stricken freak out was 4:00am. Lucky for me I was not alone during those early hours. “Chris” was awake and kept me entertained while in my head the voice was screaming “OH MY GOD YOU SUCK AT LIFE!”

Eventually, I drifted off to sleep. Only to be awoken by the annoying car honking alarm I had set on my phone. I was about to just say screw you to the alarm clock when I realized, oh the alarm is going to off mega early because I have a damn final AND I have to go to the bookstore and buy a damn scantron because the almighty brain couldn’t remember if I needed one or not. I begrudgingly headed to school and parked in my normal spot. Then decided screw it I’m driving to the parking lot closer to the bookstore and then back to this parking lot because it’s mega cold, I’m tired and I don’t feel like walking! I’m not completely sure why I was surprised to see so many students in the bookstore, all buying a single scantron.

Fast forwarding me getting back in my car and driving the not very far away distance to the other parking lot (judge me all you want I don’t care) and heading towards the classroom. The door was closed and paper was covering the little window so I couldn’t see if the light was on. I began to turn the door knob but it wouldn’t turn. I tried it again and it still wouldn’t budge. I jiggled it more and more and thinking “Oh holy mother of god I missed my final!” I looked around and then noticed just how empty the hallway was. Here’s how empty it was. I was the only person in that hallway. I couldn’t even hear footsteps or chit chat from near by people. It was then the teacher walked down the steps and turned to look at me. The expression on her face confirmed that I was a complete moron and I missed the final. Instead, she cocked her head to side and asked if the door was locked. I took the final and then came home for a really nap before going to work.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

Dreams have always been something that interested me. You close your eyes and fall into this magical wonder land where you can sprout wings and fly, become a super hero with the ability to change into anything, or if you’re like me you just have that falling dream that results in random and spastic arm and leg twitches. Then there’s “Sean” and his most recent dream.

He started the conversation by saying, “You won’t believe this dream I had.” I, naturally assumed the next few words out of his mouth would be that it was funny or strange. Nope, instead he told me that he had a dream that he switched cell phone carriers. Yes, my dear interweb friends, you have read that correctly, just an ordinary dream where he switched from Sprint to Verizon. This was quickly followed by a “What?” and a stare of “You got to be kitten me, meow.” He then went on to say that in order for him to successfully change companies he would have to fight (mortal combat style) the worlds toughest 10 men. Apparently, dream “Sean” was bad ass enough to complete the task.

This is also the same guy who had a dream that his first born would also be the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. According to THAT dream, the world is only allowed to have so many human beings living on it that when it reaches a certain number a toxin is released and turns everyone into zombies. So when the zombie apocalypse starts we can all blame “Sean” and his first born. Also, this first born is apparently the cure for the apocalypse. I can’t remember how this child saves humanity (something about the salvia I think?) so for now we’ll all just roll our eyes in disbelief and hold our breath for the day this child dooms us all.

Just a quick update on Project Pretend to be a Skinny Blonde with a Duck Face on Craigslist, so I’m still getting messages from these fellows stating they saw Duck Face at Wal-mart. Normally, I delete them but I felt this urge to share the latest gem that fell into my inbox.

“Hey…it’s me…Love to meet you ! I can be generous and you will love it. Very versatile and experienced…Massages, money for shopping, dine out at fancy restaurants…Holla back honey boo!”

He had me at Honey boo…*swoooooooooooon*

What about your dreams? Anything zombie related or having to switch phone carriers?