It’s finals week and that means I’ll be spending the next few days acting like a zombie. I already have the taste for human brains. My room looks like someone tried to ransack it but quickly realized I had nothing of monetary value and gave up while giving me the middle finger. My thought process is a lot slower as well. Example: “Chris” walked by and commented on my two sentences, “Wow, a lot of progress.” And while that would normally be met with “That’s what your mom said last night,” or “Your face!” I shouted I WAS WORKING! I wasn’t really working…I was trying to find a good recipe for brain burger.
Yesterday I spent at least 8 hours studying for this math final. This isn’t just any math final; it’s my math for elementary teachers final. And while you would think this crap would be easy, it’s not. Apparently, someone got the bright idea that since little kids are like sponges and absorb everything they learn they are capable of learning Algebra and Geometry. Yeah, you read that right. A first grader can totally out Algebra you. So, in the span of 8 hours I worked 120 questions for my final review. When I was finished (about 2am) I decided, hm I’m feeling pretty tired and I bet I’ll fall right to sleep! Nope. That was a lie. I got all comfy and wrapped up in my blankets, laid my head on my favorite pillow and closed my eyes. All was nice and quiet until that stupid voice in my head was all, “Hey. Hey. Hey idiot. Did you buy a scantron? Hey. I know you studied all day but do you remember how to multiply using the Russian Peasant Algorithm? Hey. Hey, stupid face. What time is your final? Hey, guess what. YOU’RE GOING TO FAIL!”
I laid there, eyes wide open and wrapped up in not just blankets but fear and panic. I tried to make that voice shut up, I tried to think of happier things (puppy dogs, kittens, candy, baby frogs), I even tried listening to sleep station on Pandora but none of it worked. Eventually I started to drift off when I realized I had no idea what time my final was. I was pretty sure it was 10am since the study guide for extra credit was due at that time. I tore apart my note book looking for the bright pink syllabus (I swear that teacher must have been some distant cousin of Professor Umbridge). The time of the final was 8am and the current time of my panic stricken freak out was 4:00am. Lucky for me I was not alone during those early hours. “Chris” was awake and kept me entertained while in my head the voice was screaming “OH MY GOD YOU SUCK AT LIFE!”
Eventually, I drifted off to sleep. Only to be awoken by the annoying car honking alarm I had set on my phone. I was about to just say screw you to the alarm clock when I realized, oh the alarm is going to off mega early because I have a damn final AND I have to go to the bookstore and buy a damn scantron because the almighty brain couldn’t remember if I needed one or not. I begrudgingly headed to school and parked in my normal spot. Then decided screw it I’m driving to the parking lot closer to the bookstore and then back to this parking lot because it’s mega cold, I’m tired and I don’t feel like walking! I’m not completely sure why I was surprised to see so many students in the bookstore, all buying a single scantron.
Fast forwarding me getting back in my car and driving the not very far away distance to the other parking lot (judge me all you want I don’t care) and heading towards the classroom. The door was closed and paper was covering the little window so I couldn’t see if the light was on. I began to turn the door knob but it wouldn’t turn. I tried it again and it still wouldn’t budge. I jiggled it more and more and thinking “Oh holy mother of god I missed my final!” I looked around and then noticed just how empty the hallway was. Here’s how empty it was. I was the only person in that hallway. I couldn’t even hear footsteps or chit chat from near by people. It was then the teacher walked down the steps and turned to look at me. The expression on her face confirmed that I was a complete moron and I missed the final. Instead, she cocked her head to side and asked if the door was locked. I took the final and then came home for a really nap before going to work.
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