HAPPY NEW YEAR, ASSHATS!

I know this is complete bananas. Two posts back to back!??! MADNESS! I was going to add this to the last post but it didn't flow right so I gave it it's own post. Anywho.

2012 has been a year that I'm not sure I can completely describe. It was strange, wonderful, fantastic, stressful and insane all in one. I quit a job that I completely hated and enjoyed being unemployed for about a week. So did my mom and step dad since they came home every night to a home cooked dinner. After week one I became worried about money and week three I got a job offer. My beautiful niece was born and so was my desire to crochet all cute things for her. I went back to school and remembered how stressful it is. Jessica Simpson finally gave birth after about 20 month gestation period and now Kim Kardashian is carrying the obnoxious spawn of Kayne West (I ain't saying she a gold digga).

And now here we are, the eve of 2013 and wondering what this year holds. So far the boys and I are going to hold strong to our resolution to put down the doughnuts and cookies and start getting rid of this weight we all mysteriously gained. I say getting rid of instead of losing weight because I really don't want to find it once it's gone. So far the plan is to exercise more and completely cut out fast food. "Chris" and I also devised a competition to help us get rid of the fat. We're going to put $10 in a jar once a week and at the end of the month, whoever lost the most weight gets the monies. I'M GETTING THAT MONEY.

Also, I'm sure you've noticed lately that I've mentioned a giveaway that is coming up. Guess what? I'm going to FINALLY tell you about it. I know, I know...you're totally like IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME. So here it goes. As my thank you to all my fantastic readers I'm going to give away an exact replica of the Nerf gun that "Chris" used when he shot me in the eye with the bullet (my eye totally just twitched). I'm not sure how I feel about arming someone else with the same Nerf gun that caused such a traumatic event in my life. Oh well. Also, "Chris" is also going to sign it too! Yeah! The giveaway will start when this baby hits 1000 readers. (Did anyone else just get the image of an actual baby hitting 1000 people reading books? No, ok well. Whatever, that image made me laugh). Once we get 1000 readers (and don't do that cheating thing where you just click on this a bunch of times...I GOT MY EYES ON YOU!) I'll post the rules. Don't worry, it's going to super easy and this is open to EVERYONE!

Correction...we're at 945 reads!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now imagine Oprah saying, "You can participate, YOU can participate, everyone gets to PAAAAARTICIPAAAAAATE!"

                                                                                         
**P.S. I've noticed there are readers in Greece, Puerto Rico and other random countries and I just want to say...HI!!!! Who are you guys?!? Also, if you want to win a free autographed Nerf gun you totally can!

Traveling Shenanigans

Well, I’m in DC and have decided to bring Lappy the Laptop with me. I’m not sure if it’s the reason I haven’t been sleeping much or not because after a year hiatus of Doctor Who I’ve been in obsessive mode. I took a break from the Doctor mostly because I knew the end of the Tenth Doctor was coming and I just wasn’t ready to say good-bye and was giving the Eleventh Doctor shady eyes. Apparently, I have a problem when it comes to fictional change.

So, while I was in the Dallas airport I had about an hour to kill before my flight started to board and since Lappy with was me I typed in some notes. Before I post some of them I just want to let you know that I had been awake for 24 hours and was really tired and had the tummy cramps from a sketchy southern chicken biscuit thing from the McDonalds in Bowie.

-I’m cranky and I hate everything

-I hate how people drive in Dallas. First, I’m going to cut you off, then I’m going to drive really slow in front of you and then be completely confused when you speed up next to me and flip me the bird.

-I hate slow people, especially when I have to pee.

-Forgot my neck pillow and iPod in the car. WHY DOES EVERYTHING SUCK ASS?

-One kid is about to flip out because her brother got two granola bars. What kid gets upset about not getting enough granola bars?

-Her brother keeps peeking over my shoulder at what I’m typing. Maybe I’ll start typing a story about a nosey little kid and how he was forever doomed on the Skylink.

-Nosey kid and his sister are loud and annoying. I wonder if the gift shop sells Nyquil and candy.

-Dear God, please let these kids sit on the opposite side of the plane. (God decided to be rude and sat them behind me).

-Once upon a time there was a beautiful and witty woman sitting in an airport terminal. As she was typing on her laptop this bratty and incredibly nosey kid tried to read what she was typing. Screw this, I’m too tired for this story.  

Ok, so after copying and pasting these little snip its of sitting at the terminal I remembered two stories I was going to share. The first one was when I finally got to the airport and jumped out of my car while quickly grabbing my things because I had to pee. I’ve had to pee for about 45 minutes and didn’t realize I parked in the wrong section. Black Betty is currently hanging out in American Airlines A something something and my flight was out of D whatever. As I walked into the airport I was desperately searching for a bathroom and when I couldn’t find one I figured I would just check my bag in and then look for one. Instead, after I paid the outrageous fee to check a damn bag in I automatically made my way to the security gate. It went pretty quickly until the whiney baby (aka grown woman) didn’t know how to use the full body scanner. There I stood, trying to hold everything in while trying to subtly do the pee pee dance and she was inside the scanner, “Oh my god I don’t know how to do this!” Daggers flew out of my eyes while the security guard told her to stand like the picture in front of her. Still didn’t get it. “You want me to do what?” I WANT YOU HURRY THE FRACK UP SO I CAN PEE!

The second story involves the girl having a fit over granola bars. That should have been a sign yet I ignored it. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep before the plane even took off. I remember looking out the window while the granola loving 4 year old behind me exclaimed she can see her suitcase. Liar, that luggage cart for the plane on the other side of us. When I woke up, not only was I disappointed that I missed my free orange juice but the 4 year old was still telling lies. We were descending and she kept telling her parental figure that she could see her house. As people were collecting their bags and coats her dad told her that since it was a little busy he was going to carry the suitcase but once they got off the plane she could drag it. Well, apparently mom didn’t get that memo. As I was walking to find MY parental figures I could hear the little granola monster shriek, “But dad said I COULD DO IT!” I’m pretty sure her eyes turned red and little horns popped out of her forehead.

I’m hoping my trip back home will be nice and calm.

Be Back Soon. Maybe. We'll see. STOP SMOTHERING ME.

My dearest ladies and germs,

I will be on vacay for the next few days and I'm still in debates about taking Lappy the Laptop with me so it's a sliiiiiiiiiiight possibility that I may not post anything until I get back. I just hate lugging that big laptop with me because when I go through security it has to be put in its own little container while it goes through the x-ray machine and I'm always paranoid someone's going to snatch it up while I'm trying to put my shoes back on. Then I have to do that awkward run to the gate with one shoe one, the other in my hand, jacket on my arm, bag flinging in the air and while screaming "NOT MY LAPPY!" Plus, there's that whole walking down the tiny aisle in the plane and "accidently" hitting the rich jerks in business class with my messenger bag while they give me that, "oh look at the poor girl walking to coach" look as they adjust their monocles and top hats. I hate them.

I could also post updates via my iphone but I don't even like typing long text messages, let alone a blog post on my phone. If you think my writing skills suck here just wait until I send you a long text about nothing relevant. Auto correct likes to make it look like a drunk monkey snatched my phone and started texting you. It's really awkward because I told that monkey that he has a problem and should check out an AA meeting but he won't listen to me.

I'm also a tiny bit of a nervous flyer. You wouldn't think so considering how much traveling I do between here and DC but for the first twenty minutes of the flight the voice in my head is saying "What was that sound? Did something fall off? Is that a woman churning butter on the wing? OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" Basically, it's that scene from Bridesmaid when Kristen Wig flips out and is being chased by the air marshall, except it's happening in my head. Then we get the all clear to use electronic divices and I put on my ipod and fall asleep in that awkward broken neck position.

So, basically what I'm trying to tell you, my lovely readers, I'm going on vacay and I may or may not post on here. We'll see. "Sean" really isn't helping me decide if I should bring Lappy or not.

**Edit

After "Sean" read this he decided to help me decide. He said, "If you want to take your laptop, then take your laptop." THAT'S NOT HELPING.
He also said, "I don't have that problem because I have an Ipad AND it has a keyboard." Let's all glare at him for a few minutes.

My Grab Bag of Thoughts

Tonight has been a random night at work so I thought it would be appropriate this blog post be just as random. So, for your reading pleasure here are the random tid bits of tonight’s conversations by yours truly and “Chris.”

First, we reminisced about the tragic event that was the Nerf Gun incident. In case you forgot, you can read about it, over there on the left side of this post is a box that says Blog Archive, click on November and then click on Nerf Gun Etiquette. You're welcome. Sometimes at night when I’m laying bed I’ll hear a sound in the yard that’ll trigger my Nerf gun PTSD and a shooting pain will course through my eye. Also, when I cry the tears from that eye tend to zig zag down my face and that’s if that eye is able to produce tears. I’ve noticed that my other eye has started to compensate and produce double the tears it used to.

Want to hear something ironic? “Chris” claims that he can be classy. In fact, he proclaimed this as he was eating tortilla chips. Note to self, classy now means that you can talk with your mouth full of food.

“That has too much teeth in it.” Said no hillbilly ever.

“You suck at taking selfies.” Me to “Chris.”

“Ok, now make your myspace pose.” Me trying to take “Chris” selfie picture. He then groped himself and made a duck face, however I was not quick enough to capture it forever on camera. SHAME.

“Chris” has been debating for the past few hours about going all Grinch on the Christmas tree at work. The plan is to snatch all the ornaments off the tree and then dramatically kick it to the ground for the next shift to find.

“Are you looking at the little red dot?” –Me

“No, I’m looking at the giant, lazy red dot.” –“Chris”

“Doodie!” –“Chris”

“Oh my god, I LOVE THAT MOVIE!” –Me

“What movie?” –“Chris”

“Caddy Shack?” -Me

“Never seen it.” –“Chris

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” –Me

*awkward long silence*

“I ate too much soup.” –“Chris

The randomness then caused a fit of giggles in me

Sometimes we like to pretend that we’re shooting at each other so we say the totally appropriate sound effect, “pew, pew, pew, pew!” One coworker thought we were saying “pube, pube, pube, pube!” To each other while shooting each other with our finger guns.

Umm...what?

Merry Christmas, Home Skillets

I haven’t really felt like being in the Christmas spirit lately. I guess that’s why it kind of crept up on me, even though last month I had just about everything planned out. When I say everything, I mean everything, like which day I would spend crocheting to when I would go shopping. And do you want to know where that mega organized calendar currently is? It’s in the deepest, darkest depth of my purse. I swear that thing is like Mary Poppins bag and one of these days while I’m digging around in there for spare change I’m going to pull out an area rug and a tall lamp. For my sake, I hope they match each other. But knowing me they’ll be two mismatched Goodwill finds, story of my life.

Technically, it is now Christmas Eve and I’m pretty sure that I have everyone from my gift list crossed off. If I didn’t get you something just think of my witty misfortunes that I post on here for you to read as my gift to you. Like the time that “Chris” shot me in the eye with a Nerf bullet. My eye still twitches from time to time, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I spent the entire day in the kitchen today. Keep your women belong in the kitchen jokes to yourself or the next time you ask for a sandwich it’ll be a knuckle sandwich. I decided for my work peeps I would make cake balls and put them in little individual baggies and pass them out on Christmas day. My thought process was that since these are cake balls it wouldn’t take that long to make them. THEREFORE I SHOULD MAKE 3 BATCHES OF THEM! I. Am. An. Idiot. Baking the actual cakes was pretty quick. It was when I realized that I had to crumble each cake, moosh it all together with some frosting, form little balls, stick them in the freezer for about 2 hours and then cover in chocolate that I thought, hm…this is a bigger project than what I anticipated. Also, mid-way through that thought I realized I had to bake sugar cookies for a co-worker AND THEN I volunteered to bake a second batch of sugar cookie dough for my brother. One day I’ll learn that I already enough stuff going on to say no or just not volunteer.

I’ve been watching Christmas movies to try to get myself in the Christmas spirit and for some reason The Santa Clause is bringing up some old childhood issues. To be honest, I don’t even know what feelings it’s bringing up but I’ve become completely obsessed with this movie. I’m like that annoying kid that the moment a movie ends, I excitedly shout “AGAIN! AGAIN!” And then throw a fit when you’re all, “OH MAH GAWD WE’VE SEEN THIS ABOUT A ZILLION TIMES ALREADY!” In the end, I win because I have those big, blue sad puppy dog eyes (also ignore the fact that I just threatened to punch you in the throat). Plus, I totally have a crush on the head elf, Bernard. WHAT? He’s like 900 years old! There is just something about a guy white a New York accent that just drips with sarcasm that makes me think I could totally bear his sarcastic children. Also, this movie makes me wish I could be an elf.

So, before I go off into a story about me being a North Pole elf (because the South Pole ones are mean) I guess I’ll wrap this post up. I hope that each and one of you are enjoying the time you have with your families. I know that I’ve said this before but I truly thought only three people (because my cat is rude and thinks my blog is LAME) would only read the ramblings of a clutzy spaz. This blog is no means viral but every day when I check for messages and see how many views this little fella has gotten I’m completely surprised. I’m still not ready to reveal the upcoming give away I have planned but thank you. I’m glad that I can provide some kind of mild entertainment for those of you that keep coming back.

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals. 

Please refer to me as Jolly Monkey Buns from now on.

Cake

Sometimes I feel like I have Alzheimer’s, like early onset Alzheimer’s. I’ll make a mental note about something and two seconds later I don’t even remember what the mental note was about or where I put said mental note. It also becomes a problem with those store bought cakes. You know the kind, the one with the frosting that is basically 10 cups of sugar and just looking at it gives you diabetes. And every time someone brings one in you silently call dibs on the corner piece with the big rose. I know you do. It’s ok, I do it too.

My selective Alzheimer’s seems to occur with said cake. Once a month, at my place of employment, the boss brings in one of those cakes to celebrate the birthday of everyone born in that month. And once a month I eat a slice of that sugary temptress only to feel my teeth suddenly deteriorate with cavities, my arteries clog and a sudden onset of type 2 diabetes. I see my future as the new spokes person of diabetes treatment, while I sit on top of my horse, wearing a cowboy hat and pronouncing it like “Dia-beat-us.”

Last month I decided that enough was enough. I asked “Sean” to help me and that every month when that cake comes strolling into the office and he sees my eyes all crazed with cake lust to remind me how after eating a piece I feel like I’m dying of a sugar overdose. Today was test day. Today the boss man walked in with that big, white bakery box in his hands and he walked towards the back to place it on the table outside the break room. FYI, the table and break room are not even a foot away from my desk.

I patiently waited for other people to cut the cake and take their piece. I hate being the first person that has to cut the cake. I feel like people are judging me, knife in one hand and plate in the other and I can feel them silently judging the size of the slice I’m cutting. Too big of a slice and I’m the office pig, too small and it’s look she’s pretending to be on a diet! So instead I waited an appropriate amount of time after other people have cut their piece to get my slice.

I even loudly said, “Mmmm, cake,” as I held the plate towards my face. All the while “Sean” just sat at his desk and looking at me like I was a crazy, not reminding me that the cake is going to make me feel the symptoms of death. He also just watched as I sat in my chair, hugging my stomach and quietly cursing the cake.

This is what failure looks like. "Seans" failure.

                                                                               

Don’t forget about submitting your questions for “Chris” and “Sean” for an upcoming interview. They can be simple questions like favorite color or off the wall, random questions like if you were a unicorn what kind of pizza would you eat? You know, the more off the wall the question, the better. So, ask away in the comments below or if you’re a tiny bit on the shy side shoot me an email at cupcakesandnerfguns@gmail.com.

Demon Taco Spawn

“Chris” and I have decided that starting the first of the year we’re giving up fast food and junk food. I’m trying to remain optimistic, however I have this feeling that may only last about a week before the two of us are sitting at work, staring at Panda House menu and telling each other how we can’t eat that but how the Cleopatra Chicken and egg rolls would be soooooo good! That will then lead to the two of us shame eating egg rolls and whispering to each other, “It’s ok, we’ll start over again tomorrow.”

Even though this plan doesn’t start until the beginning of the New Year I’ve been trying to get a head start by limiting the fast food I eat and so far I’ve been doing pretty good, until last night. I came across this picture on Pinterest last night and “Chris” being nosey well informed saw it and said how awesome Taco Bell would be. I normally don’t eat Taco Bell, I’m not a huge fan of Mexican unless it’s a giant Margarita with a little umbrella in it, but for some reason (despite the foreshadowing) my brain and stomach were both in agreement that yes, Taco Bell would be amazing.

Oh the irony...the stupid, stupid irony.

I came across the same picture later on in the evening on another Pinterest tab and yet I still did not see that as a warning. For a brief second I had a change of heart. Maybe I should get salty fries from Whataburger instead. “Chris” quickly disagreed and said Taco Bell was the answer for food after work. He was not alone; there were two other co-workers who decided they would be having Taco Bell. Now I was left with a decision and the clock was ticking. Do I be different and get Whataburger or do I conform and get Taco Bell. I conformed. However, I did go to a different Taco Bell but only because it was closer to my house.

I got home, got into my jammies and ate my food. About 20 minutes after I crumbled the wrapper to my chicken quesadilla a tiny headache began to set in. Shortly after that I began having stomach cramps. It was then I realized Taco Hell put their demon taco spawn inside me and I was doomed.

I woke up the next morning feeling like I was hung over. I felt tired, dehydrated and still had that tiny, nagging headache except I didn’t get to part take in giant Margaritas or any type of booze for that matter. If I’m going to have a hang over I may as well have partied like a rock star the night before and earned it. Instead, I got the tummy rumbles from the demon taco and satanic quesadilla. In a few months someone will put the little taco seed in my head and say, “Taco Bell sounds amazing right now!” And I will be in complete agreement, this uncomfortable and awful experience a mere memory in the back of my brain.

On a completely unrelated topic, you guys have noticed the two characters that appear quite frequently in this blog. I promise that they are both real boys and not fictional people in my head. Would you like to get to know more about “Chris” and “Sean?” How does an interview using questions submitted by you, my awesome readers, sound? You can ask them ANY question your little heart desires, I’ll pick the questions and post the interview right here! And when I say any question I mean ANY question, such as if “Sean” were to join the Army what division would he join? Here’s a hint, it’s because they get to wear cowboy hats.

Here’s how to submit a question, just post it right down there in the comment section OR if you’re feeling a little bashful you can email it to cupcakesandnerfguns@gmail.com.

Also, in the next few weeks I’ll be hosting a giveaway. Think of it like a thank you gift to you guys, except only person can win. It’ll be open to all US and international peeps, so everyone gets a chance to play! However, I’m going to wait a little closer to the date to announce the prize. But just want to say, it’s going to be awesome. So keep a look out for that in the next few weeks.

Why

**Disclaimer- If you take offense to this all I will say is that I'm sorry you feel that way. This is my opinion. 

I know that I’m about to offend several people with what I’m about to say. We can all agree that what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT is a horrible tragedy. It’s something that when you hear about it, you hear what those children and adults went through and it strikes this fear and pain inside you. How could someone not only kill his own mother but then murder 6 adults and 20 children? This coward took away the lives of 20 babies and destroyed every single one of their families in the process. These are children that will never go to prom, experience college life or grow old. But that’s not the part that’s going to offend some of you. The next part is.

What I’m having a hard time understanding (besides why this guy would do this) is what I’ve been seeing on Facebook and Twitter. There are so many posts and pictures being shared stating that it’s time to put God back into schools. It seems as if it’s being implied that this atrocious incident is the result of prayer no longer being allowed in school. 

                                                                                      

 Before I go any further I just want to explain that I do believe in God. I may not go to church or completely follow my Catholic faith; however I do believe that God is with me and in my heart. What I do not believe is that this heart wrenching massacre is the result of prayer not being allowed in schools. If that is truly the reason will someone please explain why the Amish school shooting happened? Just to refresh, October 2, 2006, a milk man took a small Amish school hostage, shot 10 girls, killed 5 and my understanding of that culture is that they are a highly religious people.

All of these posts about letting God back into the school system is making it seem like God is this egotistical and vengeful being and that in order for the poor fella to get any attention is to somehow make this guy force his way into an elementary school and murder innocent children and adults. I really doubt that God has the attitude of an angry 14 year old girl and is sitting up in Heaven with Elvis and James Dean saying, “See! I told you this would happen when they banned me from school.” It shouldn’t matter if prayer is or isn’t allowed in school. What would the argument be if he had gone to a Christian or Catholic or Quaker or Muslim or whatever other religious school. The actions that were committed that day were done by a man with guns, not God.

As I said earlier, God is with me and in my heart and I believe that when those shots rang out he was with those students and faculty. I believe that he was with them and apologized that their lives were cut so short and so tragically. I also view those teachers and faculty members that protected those students as angels and as heroes.  They went above and beyond the call of duty to protect all those children and that just warms my heart to know there are people like that in the world. A person that would do anything, risk their own life, for someone else. We need more people like that in this world.

We Have a Winner!!

First off, I want to thank every single person that helped with the Toys for Tots Fundraiser. My goal was to hit $100 and when I started this I figured I would get probably $20. Well, with everyone's help and contribution we made $109! How awesome is that?!!? After work, "Chris," "Sean" and I went to Wal-Mart to purchase brand new toys. To be honest, after doing a quick walk through of the toy aisle I felt a teeny bit overwhelmed. There were so many toys that I had no idea what to get. I had built up this lavish fantasy in my sleep deprived brain that "Walking on Sunshine" would play in the back ground while I ran all around the toy department just tossing everything that was on the shelves into the shopping cart. Instead, it was me holding up a mini Avenger's toy asking if boys like dollies and then promptly told, "it's an action figure!"

I bet you want to know what's in the bags??

Are you really that surprised to see Nerf guns?

I bet you're just DYING to know who the winner is? Well, before I tell you I need to explain the hiccup I experienced with the number generator. My plan was to let technology do the work for me. I would just plug in the numbers 1 and 500 and it would go ahead and pick the winner for me. While I had several numbers in play I did not take into consideration that there were 491 numbers that were unaccounted for. And here's what happened.

As you can see...It did not turn out the way I had planned. 

Then an idea came to me. A local radio station (Magic 95) and the Lawton Fire Fighters were going to be at the toy drop off site. So my plan was to go completely old school, write everyone's name and number on a piece of paper and ask one of the fire fighters to pick the winner. I can be such a genius sometimes. (Ignore the fact that this is the third time I'm typing this and hoping this will post).

So, mom (my special helper) and I went to the drop off site only to find an empty Magic 95 car parked in front of the store and the fire truck at the other end of the parking lot. We carried the toys over to the fire truck where the cutie pie fire fighters were just as confused as we were as to where the toys needed to be. Mom and I headed back to the Magic 95 car when mom decided she would ask someone in the store only to find the radio DJ in there buying a pair of pants. Toys were dropped off and one of our lovely fire fighters picked the winner. I guess NOW would be a good time for me to tell who won the FREE DINNER FOR TWO before I ramble on to another side story. So. Here. We. GO! THE WINNER IS....

CONGRATULATIONS SAM!!!!!

So there you have it. This experience was not only fun but pretty humbling as well. I thought maybe this would be something I would do every year but actually I may try to find other causes through out the year to help with as well. And since this blog post seems a bit on the picture heavy side, here are some more to distract you while mom and I accidentally set the house on fire and see if the cutie pie fire fighters show up.

Merry Christmas. I got you a Frankie cat.