The "Waitress" and the Monkey

Back in my early 20's (since I'm slowly creeping up on being considered in my late 20's) I got my first real adult job. I gave my lame, part-time mall job the two middle fingers and bounced out that bitch and moved on to a full-time, now you can go to the doctor because you can afford health insurance, teller at a bank job. Like any job, it had it's ups and downs, co-workers that made me really debate about bringing a booze filled flask to work, co-workers that turned into life long friends and then there were the customers. Most were just the run of the mill, here's my check now give me cash type customers. Others would argue with you over a transaction that was a penny over what they wrote down in their check register.

You never fully comprehend just how disgusting money is until you have a "waitress" bring in $500 in singles to deposit. And by waitress I mean stripper. I'm not saying everyone that came in that stated they were a waitress was actually a stripper. But this lady of the night...

What? I like pie!

Pretty sure some of those were in her lady business.

I also like cake.

Yeah, I'm not touching that shit.

She brought her own stripper pole...

I brought my own Hazmat suit.

Another memorable customer was this one lady and her purse. The transaction started out like any normal transaction. She wanted to cash a check or withdraw money or do something that my brain doesn't really remember. But that's mostly because, even after all these years, it's still really shocked about what was in her friggin purse.

See, everything is all normal, nothing funny going on here. Just looking at pictures of dragons on my computer while she fills out whatever the fuck she has to fill out. And then it happened. Her purse moved. And I don't mean like it shook a little or maybe a bottle of water shifted, I mean the damn thing shook like there was a living creature inside.

Those aren't stinky lines, I was trying to emphasize just how much this purse moved on it's own.

Naturally, I just assumed it was a little puppy or one of those tiny dog breeds that live in lady's purses.

After a few totally logically explanations as to why her purse would move on it's own, I went back to counting money. And then it shook all over again.

And she just went about her business like nothing was happening. Meanwhile, in my head I was screaming, "BITCH, WHAT THE HELL IS IN YOUR PURSE?"

Then this happened.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!? IT'S A HAND! IT'S A TINY BROWN HAND! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

IT'S A GOD DAMN MONKEY!

Guys, I'm not making this shit up. A friggin' monkey popped out of her purse! And then she asked if we had any dog treats to give the monkey.