Tis Storm Season

So, today we were placed on another tornado watch. Thankfully, it just rained like it was the end of times. After the storm “Chris” and I debated for about 20 minutes (it’s hard being a bestie with someone who is just as indecisive as I am) about what we were going to have for dinner. Earlier in the day I figured I would go to Subway then later on I became lazy and didn’t feel like driving. Eventually we both agreed on pizza since pizza boy can bring the food to us.

Now the last time we had a big, massive almost tornado hit in our area we were forced to go to the smelly basement with several soldiers, or as a few of us like to call them, man candy. Speaking of which, “Sean” said he could tell how disappointed I was that we did not get evacuated since I would not be with said man candy. I asked him why that was a problem as I am a single lady and no one seems to like me enough to put a ring on it. He claims it wasn’t a problem and in his words, “play on playa.”

So, since I’ve gotten completely side tracked from the original story, my b. Last time we dealt with crappy weather the man candy ordered pizza. In the middle of the insane storm. TWICE. “Chris” and I felt that since the storm today had cleared up it would be ok for us to order pizza. No, apparently it was not. One pizza place stated on their website they were not sending drivers out. A second one stated we could order online, however, they were only accepting orders for carry-out because the power went down in their store. BUT HOW DO YOU GET MY ORDER FROM THE INTERWEBS!?

                                                                 

We finally found Dominos and I have to admit this was probably the most entertaining on-line order I have ever done. First, “Chris” and I couldn’t figure out how to create our pizza. By create I mean that I wanted my half with tasty pineapples and ham and he wanted his half covered in stupid onions, peppers and junk. We were like those old people figuring out to use the internet and web cam for the first time.  Even as we were creating our pizza we noticed there might be a problem as the digital creation depicted HIS toppings were all up on my half’s side.

                                                               

I'm pretty sure if we had a web cam this is what Dominos would have seen.

Moving past our differences, we placed our order. Then Dominos was like, “Hey! Track your order!” So, I watched as the tracking thing changed from “order submitted” to “Brian is making your pan pizza with love” to “Brian is doing a quality check.” Well, BRIAN, you totes failed at the quality check. I know I should have taken a picture for actual evidence when we opened the pizza box but this is a really accurate picture of the pizza we received.

                                                                              

This is so accurate that it's almost like looking at the real thing all over again

I’m pretty sure that “Chris” called them after I placed the order and told them to make sure all of HIS toppings were on MY side of the pizza. Jerk.

Twister

Last week I wrote about the horrible tornado that destroyed several parts of Moore, Shawnee and New Castle here in Oklahoma and talked about how I was proud to be an Oklahoman. Today, I figured I would write about when I first moved to Oklahoma and my first tornado experience and why at times I effing hate living here.

My dad is a retired Army Master Sergeant (trust me guys, he’s not as scary as that sounds) and we did not move to Oklahoma by choice. Uncle Sam sent us here after spending 10 wonderful years in Germany and the only thing that I knew about Oklahoma was that Hanson was from Tulsa (I totes fan girled about that and then sad faced when I found out how far away that is from Lawton) and the movie Twister was about a team of storm chasers tracking down tornados in Oklahoma. Needless to say, I was slightly scared of the move considering the scene with the flying cows.

                                                                  

This scene

Not this scene. Although, I still want to know where my damn Hogwarts letter is.

The road trip journey from Virginia to Oklahoma was pretty boring and that was probably because I slept the entire time. Well, there was that incident when we stopped at a hotel for the day and while my mom and brother were out getting food my dad was playing with the walkie talkie. The parental units used walkie talkies as a way to communicate during the drive since we took two cars. Some poor woman was on a cell phone near by and dad some how got on her frequency (this was back in the day when cell phones were just becoming popular and you could accidently hear someone else’s phone call, ugh I’m old). She was talking to, I’m guessing, her family about what to order for dinner when dad jumped into the conversation.

Dad- “Um, hello? Can you please get me some chocolate chip cookies?”

Confused woman- “What? Did you want cookies?”

Dad- “Yes, please. I would like some chocolate chip cookies.”

Confused woman- “Who is this?”

Fast forward to a few days later and my dad and I were heading to Wal-Mart (my first time ever) when we were sitting at a red light. Across the street was one of those digital billboards that tells you the time and temperature. Here’s what I saw:

11 P.M. and 113 F

WELCOME TO THE PITS OF SATAN!

Ok, it didn’t say “welcome to the pits of Satan,” but it was might as well have. I turned to my dad and calmly asked, “where did you bring me?!” About a year later was our first tornado experience. We had just moved into our new house and my dad (aka Bob Villa) had just finished building and putting up a tall, wood fence around the backyard. I helped and by helped I mean I walked outside, said it looked good and went back to watching T.V.

The clouds started turning that grey/green color and my mom had the local news on. After the weather man said everyone should probably take shelter in a closet or bathroom (and if your in the bathroom drag a mattress in there with you to cover yourself from debris) mom and I were watching the storm from the big bay window in the living room while dad was keeping watch through the blinds that faced the backyard. At first I couldn’t figure out why he was watching the storm from the back of the house, all the action was happening out front. Then I heard him muttering and swearing under his breath. He was kind of like the dad from A Christmas Story that was swearing up a storm in the basement while he was trying to fix the furnace.

                                                                       

I KNOW! It's not the dad but this was the closet I could find...meh. Suck it.

                                                                        

I stumbled upon this one in my great search for the dad from A Christmas Story. I miss Christmas time.

Fortunately, we didn’t get hit with an actual tornado. According to the weather man we were hit with the back draft of the tornado that demolished a lot of Oklahoma City. The urban legend around town is that Lawton sits in the middle of a valley and that’s why it seems like tornados just kind of skip over this town. That’s totally fine with me. Once the storm had cleared up I found out why dad had been keeping guard at the back side of the house and muttering like a mad man. He forgot to cement the fence to the ground so when the storm hit the winds pushed the fence over. Luckily for my dad it all knocked over in one piece.

                                                                       

Don't ask. Just enjoy.

Oklahoma Strong

                                                                      

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about when “Chris,” I and our co-workers were sent into the basement of the building next door due to possible tornadoes. Yes, it was scary considering the text messages I was getting from my mom “touch down near the air port,” (well, it’s more of a landing strip where the 2 or 3 flights a day are delayed or cancelled) or worrying because I hadn’t heard from my brother. Turns out he was stuck in the bathroom at his job with co-workers, playing cards and drinking coffee. But there wasn’t much to worry about since the tornadoes that hit weren’t very powerful and didn’t cause much damage. Plus, the goofing off with co-workers really helped to calm the nerves.

But that’s life in Oklahoma. The tornado sirens go off and we immediately stand outside to check for funnel rotations or switch on the news. We figure out how we’re going to go about our day based on what the almighty weather man (sometimes his crystal ball gets it right but most of the time it's wrong) tells us, like if we’re under a tornado watch or a warning. A big majority of the time the tornado warning just turns out to be a severe thunderstorm so we take some pictures and move on with our lives.

Until yesterday.  

The devastating tornado that hit Moore on May 20, 2013 is every Okie’s nightmare. I honestly didn’t grasp the severity of the situation until my family in Germany started sending Facebook messages and text messages making sure we were ok. Even my dad and step-mom who lived in Oklahoma for many years were calling and texting, checking on us. That’s when I turned on the news and found out just how destructive this tornado was. I was still getting concerned text messages after Lawton was declared to be in the safe zone of the passing storm.  

I’m usually the first to loudly voice my dislike for Oklahoma. Too be fair my complaints are mostly about the extreme heat in the summer time and this fat girl does not do well in heat. However, after witnessing the over whelming outpour of support immediately after the tornado hit has made me so proud to be an Oklahoman. Friends and neighbors helping each other, local universities opening their dorms to those needing shelter and local agencies like the American Red Cross and Salvation Army not only providing assistance but also providing emergency classes to get new volunteers trained immediately for disaster assistance is just amazing. Even celebrities (Kevin Durant of the Oklahoma City Thunder donated $1 million from his family foundation to help those affected) and people through out the country are trying to find ways to help those affected by either having a donation drive or donating money, every little bit helps.

We are Okies and we will get through this together.

                                                               

If you want to help you can make monetary directly to the American Red Cross by texting REDCROSS to 90999. My understanding is that this type of donation will go into a disaster relief fund so some of the funding will go towards helping with disaster relief in Moore and New Castle, Oklahoma and the rest will go towards future disasters in other areas around the country.

If you want your donations to go directly towards helping those affected by the tornado that hit in Moore, OK you can call the local chapter in Oklahoma City, OK by calling 405-228-9500 or mail your donation to:

The American Red Cross

Central Oklahoma Office

601 NE 6

Oklahoma City, OK 73104

OK Strong Disaster Relief

This is set up with the state of Oklahoma and United Way of Central Oklahoma. They are setting up long-term medical, emotional and educational needs of victims of the May 20, 2013 tornado.

Donations can be made online at www.unitedwayokc.org

Or via phone 405-236-8441

You can also donate $10 to help the Regional Food Bank of Oklahoma by texting FOOD to 32333.

Salvation Army

They are sending out mobile kitchens that can serve meals to 2,500 meals a day. Donations can be made online at Salvation Army or $10 by texting STORM to 80888.

There are so many more organizations to choose from if you would like to help. Just check out this website and I think it’s pretty nifty that you can text monetary donations. Also, check out the American Red Cross chapters and Salvation Army in your local area as they may also have donation drives going on.

 Kind of awkward that she had to ask the news reporter for help to get the dog free but super heart warming. Especially when she says that her two prayers were answered after the dog was found.

Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains

I was reading a recent post by the lurvly Tea over at Unsweetened Tea (you should totally check out the rest of the blog as well) and she wrote about her zombie apocalypse plan and that got me thinking about my plans. A few months ago, “Sean” and I started devising a plan that included the peeps we work with. It started mostly as a joke as in who would be who in the group (ie, leader, the lackey, the muscles, the idiot who gets everyone killed) and then it snow balled to include actual family members and a for real actual plan. FYI, “Sean” nominated himself as group leader and apparently I am the group’s comedic relief. He then quickly retracted that by saying in order for me to be the comedic relief I have to be funny. Don’t worry guys, he may be the leader but we’ll just undermine him and create our own group that will rise out of the ashes like the majestic phoenixes we are!

**Editors Note

Apparently, “Sean” switched my group title from comedic relief (apparently that person is easily dispensable) to food and shelter person. I hope you like sleeping under a pile of leaves while eating candy.

So, here are some things to consider when making a plan for the brain hungry zombies:

                                                                    

Dress code: You want to dress in layers and preferably in camo, since you’ll be frolicking out in the wilderness and what not. Also, you’ll be running so ladies, keep the “do me pumps” at home. I know, I know you want to be all, “Hey, fellas. Check me out.” I’m going to be honest, if I see you in those shoes I will not hesitate to push you, thus making you break your ankle and further thus making you into zombie bait. This also goes for anyone with sagging pants. I will pants you, push you, and laugh as you trip and snap an ankle or something. I may be nice at first, “aw, let me help you along,” but the minute there’s a hoard of zombies I’m drop kicking you to the ground and making a run for it. I AIN’T PLAYIN!

Always carry a toothbrush: I understand the whole world has gone to hell but that doesn’t mean you can’t brush your teeth. I don’t want to deal with your funky breath on top of zombies so get that under control. Also, you can make your toothbrush into a prison shank to stab zombies. However, you may not want to brush your teeth with said toothbrush after you’ve used it to stab a zombie in the brain…

Weapons: Guns, obviously. And when I say guns I don’t mean Nerf Guns, granted “Chris” is a pretty good shot with one when he’s not looking. I still have some PTSD from the “incident.” You will want to limit how often you use the gun because god forbid you get all gun happy the first 10 minutes of the outbreak and now you’re out of ammo, sucker. Also, guns make loud noises and that will attract more of the brain loving zombies. You’ll also want something light weight weapon, such as, crow bar, shovel, or metal pole that you can use in close combat. My light weight weapon of choice would be a baseball bat. That’s just me though. Rope may also come in handy when it comes to escapes, traps and just tying someone up and leaving them in the middle of no where because the bitch ate my candy.  

Shelter: If you’re first thought about shelter was a hospital then you have been uninvited from the group. Actually, no, we may need you as bait so don’t go anywhere. Ideally, you’ll want a place like this, however not all of us can afford such a marvelous shelter, unless we all pool our money together. Scratch that, I can already sense a Ten Little Indians scenario brewing. Find a nice place in the country, if people are already inhabiting it, kick them to the curb and hoist your flag up. This is your house now, bitch.

Fitness: This fat girl needs to work on her cardio. God forbid the outbreak includes the rage infected zombie types that are like zombies on crack from 28 Days Later. I would be dead within 2 seconds of that outbreak. Even if it’s with the slow moving Shaun of the Dead, you’ll still want to get that cardio in gear. There’s going to be a lot of running, climbing and hiding out so yeah, get to exercising.

                                                                  

Exactly.

Group Dynamics: Know your role in the group and understand that if you want act all cray cray I will pretend that you were bit and I will either a) devise a plan for zombies to eat you, b) kill you myself, c) spread a rumor that you like Justin Bieber and let the group decide your fate. Just depends on how I feel that day. Also, if you were bit and no one saw it happen, you better accept your fate and speak up. Don’t be mad at the rest of the group because your dumbass got caught and now you want the rest of us to pay for your mistake. If you aren't the group asshat I’ll be nice and wait for you to actually die and shoot you in the brain (and double tap that shit) before you turn. I only expect the same in return, however I doubt it’ll happen.

So, theses are just a few tips. I’m not going to give away all my secrets and I’m too lazy to provide all the in depth details, however if you feel that you would make a good addition to the zombie group then cool. Maybe we should collaborate on some ideas and what not. I don’t know how to end this post. Here, look at this:



Cause this is THRILLLLLLAH! And Harry Potter.





Mission Impossible: Cereal

My dear, sweet readers, I am so sorry that I’ve been absent for about two weeks. I didn’t realize just how stressed out I would get with completing assignments, and projects, studying for finals and family coming into town for my brothers graduation but hot diggity damn! Anywho, now it’s summer time and I expect the shenanigans levels to return to normal for your reading pleasure.

Speaking of shenanigans, do you ever just fantasize about packing up and moving to a new city? “Chris” and I do and so far our city of choice is Austin, TX. Most of the time it’s just chatting about how much fun it would be to live there considering all the fun activities the city offers but lately we have found ourselves actually looking up the price of rent for lofts in certain areas and even what type of jobs are available. I even found this lovely gem of a job that I kind of want to apply for:

Personal Assistant | Dog Whisperer (Austin)

Seeking a personal assistant who is also excellent with dogs. I am the CEO of a small company and am looking for a responsible, mature person to help with: my two border collie dogs, property management in Austin and the Hill Country, shopping/errands, calendaring, travel arrangements, bill pay, correspondence, etc. You may work from your home, but need to be available/on-call as needed. I would ideally like to find someone who is interested in a personal assistant role as a career path. Candidates should send a resume and a short statement of interest. Thank you for reading this post.

• Location: Austin
• Compensation: depending on qualifications, up to $36K annually
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

I’m not exactly a dog whisperer, in fact my dogs tend to the opposite of what I say. Like, when a leaf blows by the front window they bark at it like it’s a group of ex-cons that are trying to break into the house and steal their dog treats. So when I tell them, “IT’S A GOD DAMN LEAF TAKE A CHILL PILL AND STOP BARKING!” They pause, look at me and then go back to barking at the leaf.  Other than that I think I’m pretty qualified for that position.

We’ve also discovered a loft that has already caused multiple fights between “Chris” and I because of the mega tiny kitchen. We don’t even live there and have already imagined a thousand different scenarios in which we murder each other because of lack of space. Mostly it’s me taking up all the kitchen counter space (based on the pictures it’s not much to begin with) with baking cupcakes and him being upset that he can’t make his precious bowl of cereal. We’ve also wondered if the stove is able to open all the way or if it’s going to hit the counter top in front of it. And this is where the true post begins. This is just one of the scenarios that we’re pretty confident will actually happen. So sit back and enjoy.

Mission Impossible: Cereal

The tiny chirp from the alarm on my phone tells me the time has come and I’m filled with giddy anticipation. I pull the covers from my bed and sit up, reaching for the black boots sitting by my night stand. I know what he’s about to do and I can’t help the sinister grin the spreads across my face. After I’ve laced up my boots I slip on the black leather gloves, adjust the utility belt that sits securely on the waist of my black pants and begin to quietly creep down the stairs. I can already hear the soft pitter patter of his foot steps as he makes his way to the kitchen.

I see him, the roommate, rummaging in the pantry for his box of cereal and I quickly roll and tumble past the door and flatten myself against the wall. I can hear him making his way back into the kitchen and pulling a bowl out of the cabinet. I hold my breath as I peak through the open space to make sure the coast is clear. I pull the grappling hook out of the hiding spot (under the couch) and wait for the moment he begins to pour the Coco Puffs into the bowl before I throw the grappling hook over the cabinet. Once secure, I scale my way up the way and sit atop my perch, quietly securing my harnesses and watching his every move.

Then it happens. He spills a little milk on the side of the bowl and I know that it’s go time. He turns his back and begins to look for the paper towels that I strategically hid and I jump from my hiding spot, my harnesses and cables holding me securely as I fall from the sky. My arms are stretched out and the wind is whipping past me before I come to a sudden stop and smile. I very gently and carefully hold the bowl of tasty cereal in one hand before pressing the ascend button on my fancy utility belt and slowly make my way back up to my hiding spot.

About half way up, it happens. One piece of cereal falls from the bowl and makes a tiny crunch type thump of a sound when it hits the floor. Everything is still. I am completely frozen and suspended in mid air as I can feel the small beads of sweat forming along my forehead. I know I’m caught, there’s no way he didn’t hear that piece of cereal hit the ground. I open one eye and peak and see with a pleasant surprise that “Chris” is still rummaging in the cabinet under the sink for a roll of paper towels. I guess all the noise he’s making, swearing and tossing cleaning supplies around, drowned out the sound of the cereal hitting the floor.

I complete my journey and make my way back to the secret spot. I sit atop my perch and take the spoon out of the pocket of my utility belt and enjoy the bowl of Coco Puffs that “Chris” thoughtfully did not make for me. He finally finds the paper towels only to turn around and discover that all remains is a spoon, spilled milk on the counter and one Coco Puff on the floor.

And here is the ridiculously tiny kitchen. Even when I made the picture bigger the kitchen is still mega tiny.