Gym Rat

A Planet Fitness opened in my area and after seeing the commercials claiming it’s a judgment free zone, I promptly cancelled my membership at another popular gym chain and signed up there. I didn’t really like going to the other gym because every time I went there was always that one chick that was mega fit and running in her stupid sports bra and short shorts and flat stomach. Bitch. Or that other person that just makes the whole gym feel awkward when you hear them grunting all the way from the free weight room. I don’t mean like a small grunt, I mean like HULK SMASH types of grunts.

One time my bestie and I decided to hit up the gym. It was fairly late in the evening and we thought we were the only two there. So naturally, instead of using the machines and actually working out, we were busy playing with the hula hoops and throwing the giant exercise balls at each other. In the midst of giggling and tossing giant balls at each other we discovered we were not alone. At first I thought I was just hearing things but the look on besties face confirmed she heard it to. It was this loud, manly grunt. This was the type of grunt you would hear from one of those really big, burly men when they toss those GIANT tires. Did we peak around the corner to see if someone was actually there? Nope, instead we ran to the nearest machine and pretended that we were actually doing something. The loud grunting continued for several minutes until it got REALLY quiet back there.

I turned to look behind me and you will not believe who walked out of the free weight room. Not this big, burly Gaston from Beauty and the Beast looking guy, oh no. Instead, the grunt loving person that walked out was this short, almost scrawny OLD LADY. You might be thinking, “Oh Rosie, just because a person is slightly older than you doesn’t mean she’s an old lady.” Guys, bestie can confirm this, but when I say old lady I mean like your grandmother, old lady. Bingo loving, cookie baking, hugs and red lipstick kissing grandma. Instead, this one probably listens to death metal and punches babies for fun.

I'm pretty sure this was her.

                                                                    

Anyway, so as I was saying years ago, I signed up at Planet Fitness since it’s a judgment free zone. A friend from work said I should try out the Arc machine; it’s like the demonic elliptical but not as intense. I waited until I was alone to give it a try seeing as how I seem to make an ass of myself quite frequently. I lasted about 5 minutes before my legs turned to jelly and thought, nope. Done. (Just a side note, I had already done a pretty intense work out before testing this machine out). As I was stepping off the machine I noticed that my right foot was stuck in the little cup part. My left leg was having issues on its own while I was trying to rescue the right one, so I basically looked like a baby horse walking for the first time. Except I was hanging on to the bars of the machine, one leg on the verge of giving out from under me and the other still stuck in the damn cup. I swear, alcohol did not play a part in this whole incident. Then I spent a few minutes on the AHMAHZING hydro massage bed and called it night.  

So, this is how I looked at the gym, twisted legs and all. Just not as cute and endearing as the baby elephant.