It's Not You, It's Me

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while but kept just kept putting it off. I created this blog as a happy place, a place that I can write goofy stories that I would hope make those that read it smile, forget whatever trouble they’re having, even if it’s just for a few minutes. I haven’t been posting much lately and when I do get something up, I have a hard time trying to get my funny spin on it.

I just wanted to take a few minutes and tell you what’s been going on. A few months ago I became very overwhelmed and withdrawn. I eventually realized there was a problem and made an appointment with a therapist. What I learned in the following weeks was that I have depression caused by issues and guilt I’ve been carrying around with me for a very long time. Even as I was starting to feel better, I still kept the depression and seeing a therapist a secret from my family.

I’m very fortunate for the family that I have. We may not be ideal, I’m a typical child of divorced parents, but I’m so lucky to have the step parents I have in my life. To be frank, they are more than just my step parents, they are my parents. They treat my brother and I as if we are their own and I couldn’t have asked for anyone better for my parents. I’ve been through so much with my family and the last thing I wanted to do was make them feel disappointed or that the reason I could barely get out of bed had something to do with them or the divorce from many, many years ago. To me it was, well I’m a grown adult I should be over all that. So, I chose to keep a secret.

I was starting to feel better, more like myself again, and decided to discontinue therapy. Therapist recommended it, stating it seemed that there was nothing else I needed and I looked and seemed happy. I felt a little relieved, she was a sweet lady and I have plenty of stories about her that maybe, if you’re really nice, I’ll share some of them with you. I’m just going to say, she was a sweet, religious cat lady.

A few weeks ago, it started to happen again, except this time the depression came back with a vengeance and wasn’t letting go. Instead of working on my class assignments I would just lay in bed watching lifetime (or the Jodi Arias trial, which is still going on!). I would just lay, wrapped up in my cocoon of a blanket and just feel so worthless to the world. Any hobby that I loved I couldn’t do. I didn’t deserve to do anything enjoyable because I didn’t do anything to deserve it. I didn’t go out with friends because I felt as if I had nothing to contribute. I was just a sad, pathetic shell of person, eating crappy food and watching even crappier lifetime movies. It seemed like everyone else had some motivation to make it through the day, kids, family, a significant other and I had nothing.

The best way for me to describe this horrible feeling would be that I’m in this deep pit, the walls are constantly growing higher and my life is above me in a swirling whirlwind that I can’t seem to get control of. Unfortunately, I’m still in the pit.  I felt as if going to therapy the last time didn’t work then what is the point now? Do I call up the previous therapist who prayed for me at the end of each session like I was possessed or do I find someone new? If I find someone new, how long of a wait until they can get me in? I’m not about to shove my head in the oven but I’m tired of this numb, worthless, pathetic person I feel I’ve become.

The good news is that I’m back in therapy and with a new therapist who seems like a better fit than my previous one. It also seems that previous therapist may have underestimated the severity of the depression. Also, I told my parents and feel kind of dumb that I didn’t tell them sooner. I was worried of the type of reaction I would get and instead was met with love and support. Depression will make you think stupid things.