My dear, sweet readers, I am so sorry that I’ve been absent for about two weeks. I didn’t realize just how stressed out I would get with completing assignments, and projects, studying for finals and family coming into town for my brothers graduation but hot diggity damn! Anywho, now it’s summer time and I expect the shenanigans levels to return to normal for your reading pleasure.
Speaking of shenanigans, do you ever just fantasize about packing up and moving to a new city Austin , TX
Personal Assistant | Dog Whisperer (Austin)
Seeking a personal assistant who is also excellent with dogs. I am the CEO of a small company and am looking for a responsible, mature person to help with: my two border collie dogs, property management in Austin and the Hill Country, shopping/errands, calendaring, travel arrangements, bill pay, correspondence, etc. You may work from your home, but need to be available/on-call as needed. I would ideally like to find someone who is interested in a personal assistant role as a career path. Candidates should send a resume and a short statement of interest. Thank you for reading this post.
I’m not exactly a dog whisperer, in fact my dogs tend to the opposite of what I say. Like, when a leaf blows by the front window they bark at it like it’s a group of ex-cons that are trying to break into the house and steal their dog treats. So when I tell them, “IT’S A GOD DAMN LEAF TAKE A CHILL PILL AND STOP BARKING!” They pause, look at me and then go back to barking at the leaf. Other than that I think I’m pretty qualified for that position.
We’ve also discovered a loft that has already caused multiple fights between “Chris” and I because of the mega tiny kitchen. We don’t even live there and have already imagined a thousand different scenarios in which we murder each other because of lack of space. Mostly it’s me taking up all the kitchen counter space (based on the pictures it’s not much to begin with) with baking cupcakes and him being upset that he can’t make his precious bowl of cereal. We’ve also wondered if the stove is able to open all the way or if it’s going to hit the counter top in front of it. And this is where the true post begins. This is just one of the scenarios that we’re pretty confident will actually happen. So sit back and enjoy.
The tiny chirp from the alarm on my phone tells me the time has come and I’m filled with giddy anticipation. I pull the covers from my bed and sit up, reaching for the black boots sitting by my night stand. I know what he’s about to do and I can’t help the sinister grin the spreads across my face. After I’ve laced up my boots I slip on the black leather gloves, adjust the utility belt that sits securely on the waist of my black pants and begin to quietly creep down the stairs. I can already hear the soft pitter patter of his foot steps as he makes his way to the kitchen.
I see him, the roommate, rummaging in the pantry for his box of cereal and I quickly roll and tumble past the door and flatten myself against the wall. I can hear him making his way back into the kitchen and pulling a bowl out of the cabinet. I hold my breath as I peak through the open space to make sure the coast is clear. I pull the grappling hook out of the hiding spot (under the couch) and wait for the moment he begins to pour the Coco Puffs into the bowl before I throw the grappling hook over the cabinet. Once secure, I scale my way up the way and sit atop my perch, quietly securing my harnesses and watching his every move.
Then it happens. He spills a little milk on the side of the bowl and I know that it’s go time. He turns his back and begins to look for the paper towels that I strategically hid and I jump from my hiding spot, my harnesses and cables holding me securely as I fall from the sky. My arms are stretched out and the wind is whipping past me before I come to a sudden stop and smile. I very gently and carefully hold the bowl of tasty cereal in one hand before pressing the ascend button on my fancy utility belt and slowly make my way back up to my hiding spot.
About half way up, it happens. One piece of cereal falls from the bowl and makes a tiny crunch type thump of a sound when it hits the floor. Everything is still. I am completely frozen and suspended in mid air as I can feel the small beads of sweat forming along my forehead. I know I’m caught, there’s no way he didn’t hear that piece of cereal hit the ground. I open one eye and peak and see with a pleasant surprise that “Chris” is still rummaging in the cabinet under the sink for a roll of paper towels. I guess all the noise he’s making, swearing and tossing cleaning supplies around, drowned out the sound of the cereal hitting the floor.
I complete my journey and make my way back to the secret spot. I sit atop my perch and take the spoon out of the pocket of my utility belt and enjoy the bowl of Coco Puffs that “Chris” thoughtfully did not make for me. He finally finds the paper towels only to turn around and discover that all remains is a spoon, spilled milk on the counter and one Coco Puff on the floor.
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| And here is the ridiculously tiny kitchen. Even when I made the picture bigger the kitchen is still mega tiny. |
You should replace the stolen cereal with a dark chocolate cupcake. Every master thief needs a calling card.
ReplyDeleteIf I do that then "Chris" gets a cupcake. Granted he did make a bowl of cereal that I stole...
ReplyDeleteAlthough I do like that idea of a calling card.