Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains

I was reading a recent post by the lurvly Tea over at Unsweetened Tea (you should totally check out the rest of the blog as well) and she wrote about her zombie apocalypse plan and that got me thinking about my plans. A few months ago, “Sean” and I started devising a plan that included the peeps we work with. It started mostly as a joke as in who would be who in the group (ie, leader, the lackey, the muscles, the idiot who gets everyone killed) and then it snow balled to include actual family members and a for real actual plan. FYI, “Sean” nominated himself as group leader and apparently I am the group’s comedic relief. He then quickly retracted that by saying in order for me to be the comedic relief I have to be funny. Don’t worry guys, he may be the leader but we’ll just undermine him and create our own group that will rise out of the ashes like the majestic phoenixes we are!

**Editors Note

Apparently, “Sean” switched my group title from comedic relief (apparently that person is easily dispensable) to food and shelter person. I hope you like sleeping under a pile of leaves while eating candy.

So, here are some things to consider when making a plan for the brain hungry zombies:

                                                                    

Dress code: You want to dress in layers and preferably in camo, since you’ll be frolicking out in the wilderness and what not. Also, you’ll be running so ladies, keep the “do me pumps” at home. I know, I know you want to be all, “Hey, fellas. Check me out.” I’m going to be honest, if I see you in those shoes I will not hesitate to push you, thus making you break your ankle and further thus making you into zombie bait. This also goes for anyone with sagging pants. I will pants you, push you, and laugh as you trip and snap an ankle or something. I may be nice at first, “aw, let me help you along,” but the minute there’s a hoard of zombies I’m drop kicking you to the ground and making a run for it. I AIN’T PLAYIN!

Always carry a toothbrush: I understand the whole world has gone to hell but that doesn’t mean you can’t brush your teeth. I don’t want to deal with your funky breath on top of zombies so get that under control. Also, you can make your toothbrush into a prison shank to stab zombies. However, you may not want to brush your teeth with said toothbrush after you’ve used it to stab a zombie in the brain…

Weapons: Guns, obviously. And when I say guns I don’t mean Nerf Guns, granted “Chris” is a pretty good shot with one when he’s not looking. I still have some PTSD from the “incident.” You will want to limit how often you use the gun because god forbid you get all gun happy the first 10 minutes of the outbreak and now you’re out of ammo, sucker. Also, guns make loud noises and that will attract more of the brain loving zombies. You’ll also want something light weight weapon, such as, crow bar, shovel, or metal pole that you can use in close combat. My light weight weapon of choice would be a baseball bat. That’s just me though. Rope may also come in handy when it comes to escapes, traps and just tying someone up and leaving them in the middle of no where because the bitch ate my candy.  

Shelter: If you’re first thought about shelter was a hospital then you have been uninvited from the group. Actually, no, we may need you as bait so don’t go anywhere. Ideally, you’ll want a place like this, however not all of us can afford such a marvelous shelter, unless we all pool our money together. Scratch that, I can already sense a Ten Little Indians scenario brewing. Find a nice place in the country, if people are already inhabiting it, kick them to the curb and hoist your flag up. This is your house now, bitch.

Fitness: This fat girl needs to work on her cardio. God forbid the outbreak includes the rage infected zombie types that are like zombies on crack from 28 Days Later. I would be dead within 2 seconds of that outbreak. Even if it’s with the slow moving Shaun of the Dead, you’ll still want to get that cardio in gear. There’s going to be a lot of running, climbing and hiding out so yeah, get to exercising.

                                                                  

Exactly.

Group Dynamics: Know your role in the group and understand that if you want act all cray cray I will pretend that you were bit and I will either a) devise a plan for zombies to eat you, b) kill you myself, c) spread a rumor that you like Justin Bieber and let the group decide your fate. Just depends on how I feel that day. Also, if you were bit and no one saw it happen, you better accept your fate and speak up. Don’t be mad at the rest of the group because your dumbass got caught and now you want the rest of us to pay for your mistake. If you aren't the group asshat I’ll be nice and wait for you to actually die and shoot you in the brain (and double tap that shit) before you turn. I only expect the same in return, however I doubt it’ll happen.

So, theses are just a few tips. I’m not going to give away all my secrets and I’m too lazy to provide all the in depth details, however if you feel that you would make a good addition to the zombie group then cool. Maybe we should collaborate on some ideas and what not. I don’t know how to end this post. Here, look at this:



Cause this is THRILLLLLLAH! And Harry Potter.