I Don't Need Pants

Before I regale you with my next tale of complete embarrassment I feel that I need to make a little bit of a disclaimer. Parental units, if you are reading this I’m sorry for bringing shame upon the family. My bad.

When I was the young age of 23 I decided to explore this big world and participated in a study abroad program. My decision was completely last minute so it had to be somewhere that primarily spoke English. I originally thought Germany, I grew up there, was a native speaker when I was younger, and had family there. However since moving to the states when I was 12 my German was limited to “Ja,” nodding and smiling and eavesdropping on other German speakers. London was crazy expensive but just three hours away was a small country called Wales.

A few months into my new adventure my new friends and I made plans for my 24^th birthday. It involved seeing Beauty and the Beast by some touring company and then enjoying the bars on Wind Street. So, I’m going to skip the blah blah blah part. The play was awesome and a few peeps had to go because they were all responsible and had homework to do. The rest of us though, drank. And I mean we drank A LOT. By The time we decided to go home the bars were shutting down and we had to walk up this small hill to the taxi station. Since there were four of us we tried to find other students that lived in the student village so that we could save on the cab ride. And by find other students I mean drunkenly harass them. And by we, I mean me. It kind went something like this:

“HEY! HEY! HEY KID! Are you going to the village?” I’m also pointing at this kid even after my parents repeatedly told me that pointing was rude.

“Oh, uh, no,” He says as he’s ushering this tiny, skinny blonde chick into a cab.

“What?! You liar! I see you there ALL THE TIME!” Still pointing and now accusing someone I don’t know of lying.

“Oh, no you must have me confused with someone else.” Now he’s trying to get in the cab without me and friends.

“But duuuuuuuuuuuude! The cab ride will be soooooooo cheap if we share it! It’ll be split 6 ways!” I try to reason with him but instead I sound like a whiny baby. A drunk, cheap, whiny baby.

At this point he jumps in the cab and closes the door with such force I’m a tiny bit offended. One of the girls says “whatever” and that we can totally find more students from the village over at the taxi stand by that other club that’s a few streets over. We stumbled for what seemed like an eternity until we made it to the next taxi stand and guess what. There were NO STUDENTS. None! I bet that one guy texted everyone else to watch out for gaggle of drunk girls, 2 American, 1 British and 1 Welsh.

After we get a cab and make it the village we decided that we’re totally starving. Lucky for us there was a tiny fast food place right in the student village. Unfortunately for us it’s on top of the tiny convenience store with this stairs that are so steep that even sober people trip up and down them. I don’t remember the next part. Apparently I made it up the stairs, ordered food, took pictures with random kids I didn’t know, ate my food and made it safely down the stairs. This next part I do remember.

I made it back to my room and didn’t realize how loud I was muttering to myself until my dear, sweet roommate told me the next day. I walked into my room and was suddenly hit with Africa in the middle of summer heat because my bi-polar heater randomly turned on while I was gone. And here is a summarized version of the conversation I had with myself while stumbling from my door to the window.

“Oh my GAWD! It’s soooooooooooooo fucking hot in here! Why is it so damn hot?!?!”

Here is where I managed to open the window, turn the heater off and stumble back to the door, lean on it a little bit and realize I had my heavy pea coat on.

“WHY AM I STILL WEARING THIS?!!” I say this completely amazed as if it magically appeared on me out of nowhere.

I spend the next 5 minutes trying to unbutton my jacket only to become frustrated and pull it over like a hoodie and fling it across the room. Next, I kicked my shoes off and tore my shirt off. It was still Africa hot in there. I tried to take my jeans off but only ended up lying awkwardly on my side on my bed and kicking my legs in the air. Basically, I looked like I was riding an invisible bike when I was trying to take my jeans off. I eventually got them off and sat upright, in my underoos and tank top, hair a mess while loudly wondering, “Where are my fucking pants?” When I say pants I mean the yoga pants that I use to do yoga sleep in.

This then led me to kind of sort of stand up and throwing my blanket off my bed and still muttering, “What the hell. I need my pants!” I staggered around a little before leaning against my door and whining about how I couldn’t find my pants. 20 minutes later I gave and proclaimed, “Fuck it, I’ll sleep in my undies. I don’t need PANTS!”

Yeah, this was me.

     

When I woke up sometime that afternoon I looked around my room through squinted eyes and a painful headache and thought, “What the hell happened in here?” My window was open and half of my pea coat was hanging out of it, one sleeve blowing in the wind as if waving, hey! A drunken idiot lives here! One shoe had knocked my textbooks off my desk and the other shoe sitting was sitting on the window sill. Shirt was haphazardly on the floor; jeans crumbled by my bed and right next to them were my black yoga pants. It was then I heard the soft knocking on my door and my roommate quietly asking if I was ok, did I need some water and did I ever find my DAMN pants.

There’s another story, years later about me waking up to a bed covered in chicken nuggets but I’ll save that for another day.

Also, guys TOMORROW IS THE LAST DAY TO ENTER THE NERF GUN GIVEAWAY! I’ll announce the winner on Saturday and am totally stoked at all the responses and entries! If this is the first time you’re hearing about this mega amazing giveaway you can find the details right ovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvver HERE!

Let's Go to the Mall, TODAY!

                                                                             

One thing that I’ve noticed when I drive is that sometimes it seems other drivers sense when you’re in some sort of distress and therefore do the complete opposite of what you’re hoping. Let me explain that a little more clearly to you. Last weekend I went to Oklahoma City to do a little damage to my bank account. I always have my mom’s voice in my head that before I leave the house; use the bathroom. So I did. I also went to Starbucks and got a super tasty Venti something something with an extra shot of espresso because the barista was all “Doesn’t that sound awesome?!” And with her enthusiasm it totally did.

I just barely made it into the Oklahoma City limits when my bladder got all mad and was like, “Umm…you need to pull over, like 10 minutes ago.” Meanwhile I was driving and thinking, “Damn, bladder chill. We’re almost at the mall.” This imaginary conversation went on for quite some time until my bladder started causing me physical harm (massive cramps). At this point I was about 5 minutes from the mall but this elderly couple in front of me felt it was appropriate to turn that into a 20 minute drive. And I’m pretty sure the conversation between the two old jerks went something like this (also, imagine them with those pretentious kind of like a British but they’re not British accents):

“Oh shnookums, I do believe that woman in the dashing black Cruze behind us is in distress.”

“Why, daaaaaaaaahling, I do believe you are correct. And by the way she’s screaming and hunched over the steering wheel she may need to use the facilities.”

“Oh but honey bunches, I knooooooooow the speed limit is 60 but I think it’ll be really beneficial if we just putter about going 30.”

“Cuddle bum I do believe that is a very smart idea. That’ll teach her to drink a gianormous beverage before partaking on a nearly 2 hour journey.”

Meanwhile, this is me in my car:

“OHMYFUCKINGGODWHATISWRONGWITHYOU?!?!!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHI’MDYINGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The mall came into view and I could hear the angels singing, a bright light shone over the mall because the end was near. Yeah, those dreams were crushed when I realized I was going to the mall on a Saturday afternoon and saw how packed the parking lot was. I spent another 20 minutes swearing like a pirate and looking for a parking spot nearest the bathrooms. I pee-peed danced/walked quickly into and through out Dillards until I finally found my salvation.

That happy moment of sweet relief was also met with awkwardness when I was in a stall and a woman walked in, paused and said “Oh, there you are.” She was actually referring to someone else that was apparently hidden in the corner applying her make-up. They spent the next few minutes talking about how someone’s uncle was in jail but neither knew why. Probably because he was busy chatting away in the bathroom while someone was trying to take care of business.

So, I was going to open the giveaway tonight but “Chris” is causing a delay. Yeah, you read that correct “Chris.” The Nerf gun has been purchased I’m just waiting on a certain SOMEONE to sign it so I can post a picture of it on here and you guys can “Ohhhhh” and “Ahhhhh” at its amazingness. Well, maybe next week. Until then, let’s all give “Chris” the shady eyes.