Cake

Sometimes I feel like I have Alzheimer’s, like early onset Alzheimer’s. I’ll make a mental note about something and two seconds later I don’t even remember what the mental note was about or where I put said mental note. It also becomes a problem with those store bought cakes. You know the kind, the one with the frosting that is basically 10 cups of sugar and just looking at it gives you diabetes. And every time someone brings one in you silently call dibs on the corner piece with the big rose. I know you do. It’s ok, I do it too.

My selective Alzheimer’s seems to occur with said cake. Once a month, at my place of employment, the boss brings in one of those cakes to celebrate the birthday of everyone born in that month. And once a month I eat a slice of that sugary temptress only to feel my teeth suddenly deteriorate with cavities, my arteries clog and a sudden onset of type 2 diabetes. I see my future as the new spokes person of diabetes treatment, while I sit on top of my horse, wearing a cowboy hat and pronouncing it like “Dia-beat-us.”

Last month I decided that enough was enough. I asked “Sean” to help me and that every month when that cake comes strolling into the office and he sees my eyes all crazed with cake lust to remind me how after eating a piece I feel like I’m dying of a sugar overdose. Today was test day. Today the boss man walked in with that big, white bakery box in his hands and he walked towards the back to place it on the table outside the break room. FYI, the table and break room are not even a foot away from my desk.

I patiently waited for other people to cut the cake and take their piece. I hate being the first person that has to cut the cake. I feel like people are judging me, knife in one hand and plate in the other and I can feel them silently judging the size of the slice I’m cutting. Too big of a slice and I’m the office pig, too small and it’s look she’s pretending to be on a diet! So instead I waited an appropriate amount of time after other people have cut their piece to get my slice.

I even loudly said, “Mmmm, cake,” as I held the plate towards my face. All the while “Sean” just sat at his desk and looking at me like I was a crazy, not reminding me that the cake is going to make me feel the symptoms of death. He also just watched as I sat in my chair, hugging my stomach and quietly cursing the cake.

This is what failure looks like. "Seans" failure.

                                                                               

Don’t forget about submitting your questions for “Chris” and “Sean” for an upcoming interview. They can be simple questions like favorite color or off the wall, random questions like if you were a unicorn what kind of pizza would you eat? You know, the more off the wall the question, the better. So, ask away in the comments below or if you’re a tiny bit on the shy side shoot me an email at cupcakesandnerfguns@gmail.com.

Demon Taco Spawn

“Chris” and I have decided that starting the first of the year we’re giving up fast food and junk food. I’m trying to remain optimistic, however I have this feeling that may only last about a week before the two of us are sitting at work, staring at Panda House menu and telling each other how we can’t eat that but how the Cleopatra Chicken and egg rolls would be soooooo good! That will then lead to the two of us shame eating egg rolls and whispering to each other, “It’s ok, we’ll start over again tomorrow.”

Even though this plan doesn’t start until the beginning of the New Year I’ve been trying to get a head start by limiting the fast food I eat and so far I’ve been doing pretty good, until last night. I came across this picture on Pinterest last night and “Chris” being nosey well informed saw it and said how awesome Taco Bell would be. I normally don’t eat Taco Bell, I’m not a huge fan of Mexican unless it’s a giant Margarita with a little umbrella in it, but for some reason (despite the foreshadowing) my brain and stomach were both in agreement that yes, Taco Bell would be amazing.

Oh the irony...the stupid, stupid irony.

I came across the same picture later on in the evening on another Pinterest tab and yet I still did not see that as a warning. For a brief second I had a change of heart. Maybe I should get salty fries from Whataburger instead. “Chris” quickly disagreed and said Taco Bell was the answer for food after work. He was not alone; there were two other co-workers who decided they would be having Taco Bell. Now I was left with a decision and the clock was ticking. Do I be different and get Whataburger or do I conform and get Taco Bell. I conformed. However, I did go to a different Taco Bell but only because it was closer to my house.

I got home, got into my jammies and ate my food. About 20 minutes after I crumbled the wrapper to my chicken quesadilla a tiny headache began to set in. Shortly after that I began having stomach cramps. It was then I realized Taco Hell put their demon taco spawn inside me and I was doomed.

I woke up the next morning feeling like I was hung over. I felt tired, dehydrated and still had that tiny, nagging headache except I didn’t get to part take in giant Margaritas or any type of booze for that matter. If I’m going to have a hang over I may as well have partied like a rock star the night before and earned it. Instead, I got the tummy rumbles from the demon taco and satanic quesadilla. In a few months someone will put the little taco seed in my head and say, “Taco Bell sounds amazing right now!” And I will be in complete agreement, this uncomfortable and awful experience a mere memory in the back of my brain.

On a completely unrelated topic, you guys have noticed the two characters that appear quite frequently in this blog. I promise that they are both real boys and not fictional people in my head. Would you like to get to know more about “Chris” and “Sean?” How does an interview using questions submitted by you, my awesome readers, sound? You can ask them ANY question your little heart desires, I’ll pick the questions and post the interview right here! And when I say any question I mean ANY question, such as if “Sean” were to join the Army what division would he join? Here’s a hint, it’s because they get to wear cowboy hats.

Here’s how to submit a question, just post it right down there in the comment section OR if you’re feeling a little bashful you can email it to cupcakesandnerfguns@gmail.com.

Also, in the next few weeks I’ll be hosting a giveaway. Think of it like a thank you gift to you guys, except only person can win. It’ll be open to all US and international peeps, so everyone gets a chance to play! However, I’m going to wait a little closer to the date to announce the prize. But just want to say, it’s going to be awesome. So keep a look out for that in the next few weeks.